


Steamed

by HadenXCharm



Series: Melted [3]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Confessions, Guilt, M/M, Relationship(s), Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-24
Updated: 2015-10-25
Packaged: 2018-04-16 22:48:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4642899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HadenXCharm/pseuds/HadenXCharm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the fire dies down, all you have to do is stoke it a little. Ikkaku is bursting with newfound desire, but is still hung up on what he did to Yumichika. Does this make him some kind of sicko? Meanwhile, Renji and Ichigo's new deal leaves Ichigo confused and longing for a touch that he won't ask for. He's sure it's love now, but he just can't act on it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_Kill me romantically, fill my soul with vomit_  
then ask me for a piece of gum.  
Bitter and dumb, you're my sugarplum.

_You're awful, I love you._

* * *

Yumichika's wet pink tongue ran over his lips in a smooth luscious motion, then a smile flashed his white teeth and the equally pink gum he was chewing. Ikkaku just stood there staring for a moment longer, probably looking like a confused zombie as he watched his lips purse and a bubble build there.

_Pop._

Ikkaku blinked, realizing he'd been standing in the doorway for far longer than any normally functioning human should. Don't linger on the threshold and all that.

That fucking bubble-gum again. Ikkaku knew the taste well from their kisses, but if he thought hard enough, he could imagine the taste in his mouth just from looking at Yumichika and his over-zealous chewing.

"Hey, sugar," he greeted. Yeah right. Yumichika was anything but sweet; he was a fucking lemon, but you know what they say about life handing you lemons. Lock them in a freezer with Ikkaku and see what happens. Lemonade.

God, this whole situation was fucked up.

Yumichika looked up from the break table with a smile at the love-name, like he'd missed Ikkaku bitterly. Ikkaku grinned and leaned in to kiss his neck. Sugarless lemonade. White wine. The sourest tartest cherry pie he'd ever tasted, and he loved it. Yumichika smiled sweetly, eyes slipping closed and a hand coming up to stroke Ikkaku's face as he continued peppering kisses up towards his ear and cheek.

"How you doing?" Ikkaku asked quietly, not wanting to startle him by talking so close to his ear. He kissed there one more time and snaked his arms around Yumichika's shoulders, pressing his face against his. Yumichika gave a small frown and took a breath. "What'sa matter?" Yumichika's nose wrinkled slightly and he brought a hand up to it.

"… You smell like garbage," Yumichika said after a moment, holding his nose and leaning away. He didn't have a snarky expression on, so Ikkaku knew he was actually being serious and not just rude. Yumichika had actually been really nice to him lately, so if he was telling him he smelled like trash, he just might be telling the truth. Ikkaku brought his shirt up to his mouth and smelled, making a disgusted noise. Oh right. He'd dragged out those trash bags that had been left in the rain earlier,  _after_  his shower. He  _did_  smell like trash. He couldn't believe Yumichika had let him hug him for that long. Ikkaku scratched the back of his neck sheepishly as Yumichika raised his eyebrows at his lack of explanation.

"Oops."

Yumichika gave a long sigh, head thunking onto the table-top. Ikkaku ruffled his hair and cuddled him for a while, sitting in the chair next to him.

"Want me to move over a bit?" he asked, probably getting his nasty-garbage/sweaty-man smell all over Yumichika. Yumichika just groaned and pinched his nose dramatically, but let Ikkaku keep hugging him while he ate his lunch.

Eventually Ikkaku let go so they could play extreme kakuro together on Ikkaku's phone for a few minutes. Yumichika ate like a frickin' bird, picking at his salad and eating chips like he was afraid to let that orange dust touch his face at all. Well,  _one_  of them had to be the clean one. Ikkaku knew full well that he ate like a wild beast.

Ikkaku grinned as they talked about the upcoming river festival, which they were going to go to together. Their relationship had been going great for about a month now. Ikkaku had been doing his damnedest to be the best boyfriend ever and Yumichika had been responding well. The little jerk was turning into a little  _sweetheart_  instead, and it was seriously the best thing that had ever happened to Ikkaku's pathetic life.

Ikkaku wanted to take Yumichika everywhere, all the time. When he was grocery-shopping, he imagined Yumichika there. When he was getting his car fixed and sitting in the waiting room, he wished Yumichika was there. When he was out watering his friend's plants or jogging, he wanted Yumichika there. When he saw something funny or cool, the first thing he always thought of was, 'shit, where's my phone, my boyfriend would love this.' Ikkaku wanted to handcuff them together, in a totally non-creepy non-sexual way of course.

If this was love, it felt really good. Ikkaku wanted so badly for this to be love. He wanted Yumichika to love him and to stay. Every damn day before he went to sleep he was praying hard that he didn't fuck this up. At least not beyond repair.

"Oh, I see something," Yumichika piped up, bringing Ikkaku out of his thoughts. He passed his phone over to him and just watched as Yumichika filled in a large area of the puzzle. Smart little fuck. Ikkaku grinned and reached out, affectionately scratching Yumichika between the shoulder-blades a little.

Who said having a boyfriend was hard?

Well, there was that thing…

Ikkaku's sexual desire had made a reappearance, luckily, and even though Ikkaku was eager to make love to his boyfriend and give them some new memories, he just didn't know how to get started. After his huge fuck-up before and his problem maintaining a hard-on, was it any wonder that his confidence was shot? Their relationship was going good, and Ikkaku was ready to give things another try. He just didn't want there to be another set-back. He didn't think he could bear it if he went soft at the wrong moment again. He might just  _die_  of shame.

They'd actually talked about it, because Ikkaku had tentatively brought up that he still felt bad about what he'd done in the freezer that day and that he wanted to make up for it, and that he didn't know what had happened that one time that they'd almost had sex but he'd chickened out. He said that he was ready for another try, and they'd discussed it and everything.

They planned to go to bed on their next date, just so both of them had time to prepare fully this time around. Ikkaku was in charge of getting the condoms, since they'd decided they were going to try to use them as often as possible, if not all the time. It hit Ikkaku later when he was buying them that they were really going to go to bed together. Yumichika wanted it, and Ikkaku said he did too. He did. He just didn't know if it would work. Yumichika was once again the subject of many of his nighttime fantasies, and he was getting turned on again at inappropriate moments, but Ikkaku didn't know if it would hold up when the moment came. God, this was embarrassing.

"So… it's tomorrow, then," Ikkaku mumbled awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck as he broached an uncomfortable subject.

"Yes," Yumichika replied seamlessly, still tapping away at Ikkaku's phone and filling in the puzzle. He looked up when Ikkaku was silent for a moment too long. "Are you excited?" Yumichika grinned, raising his eyebrows, snaking an arm around Ikkaku's neck. Ikkaku smiled back cautiously and grabbed Yumichika by the hips, pulling him onto his leg and holding him around the waist affectionately.

"Yeah. I'm gonna' melt you. Be ready," Ikkaku challenged, although it was safe to say that he couldn't possibly be more insecure about this.

"That had better not be false confidence."

"Aw shit," Ikkaku mumbled, and Yumichika laughed out loud, assuring him that he'd been kidding as he touched his ears and turned his face up so he could kiss his forehead. Ikkaku sighed a little, smiling uncertainly.

"There is absolutely no pressure," Yumichika said, "You know that if it doesn't work, we can just try again." He smiled deviously. "And again. And again, and-"

"Okay, I get it," Ikkaku said, cheeks turning a little red as he imagined them doing it on pretty much every flat thing in either of their apartments. "I get it, just stop," he repeated, grinning sheepishly. "And… I'm sor-"

"If you apologize one more time, I'm walking away," Yumichika said flatly, bopping Ikkaku's nose.

"Okay, sorry."

Yumichika gave him a dead-pan stare, and Ikkaku responded with a shit-eating grin. "You are literally the worst man," Yumichika grit out, seizing him around the neck and hugging him fiercely, digging his nails into him hard. Ikkaku tickled him a little and hugged back, laughing as Yumichika writhed around and whined, not letting go of him.

"Hey, so wanna' cruise the paint-department? Those color names are a fucking gas," Ikkaku offered, letting Yumichika scootch back to his own chair as he stood up.

"No, thank you. I'm still eating."

"It'll be nice, though. You could make fun of them with me," Ikkaku lilted temptingly, leaning in to kiss his ear. Yumichika pressed his lips together in a thin line, eyes narrowing as he glared at him without malice.

"You smell like a dumpster, now leave," Yumichika said blandly, and Ikkaku let out a laugh, saying there was a joke about taking out the trash in there somewhere.

Yumichika grinned exasperatedly and leaned in, holding both sides of his head and Ikkaku just melted when he kissed him. "You're awful, I love it," Yumichika said, kissing him once more and rubbing his ears slightly, then letting him go and shoving him out of the break-room.

Ikkaku floated around for the rest of the day.

* * *

Ichigo sighed, lip sticking out as he lay stuck to the couch. The house was quiet, his laptop was on the coffee table in front of him, his browser history full of inappropriate websites, and there was a box of tissues next to him. This was  _beyond_  abnormal for him, but he'd been desperate. Renji was out again. They hadn't had sex in a straight month. No, Ichigo was definitely not moping.

If Renji was anything, he was a man of his word, and ever since they'd made their little deal, Renji had been pretty much out and about, busy working, busy with school, busy out drinking with his buddies, and Ichigo had found himself missing his stupid face.

Not only that, now that Ichigo knew the touch of a man, he couldn't go back to how he'd been - fine with only jerking off like once every month. He tried to curb the spike of misplaced desire by masturbating more often, but it just wasn't satisfying like having sex with Renji was, leaving him even more frustrated. Damn it. Ichigo thought he'd go mad. He was starved for contact and it was consuming his life.

Renji had promised to back off and leave him alone, and fair enough, he'd quit touching him and given Ichigo space, but Ichigo hadn't meant that he'd wanted him to leave the  _house_. Whenever they  _did_  spend time together, there was a distinct absence of touch; even when Renji had to hand him the remote, he just tossed it over to him. It was jarring. Even when they'd just been  _friends_ , they'd still had some sort of casual touch, but now it was just gone. Ichigo was down to his last nerve.

He'd asked for this, hadn't he? He should be happy. Renji was giving him a chance to take things slow. They'd even gone on a date to an adult-arcade earlier in the week and it had been nice, but there had been no touching or kissing or anything, even after they'd gotten back, and Ichigo was craving it. What the fuck was with his messed up brain?

Ichigo was starting to suspect that it was the fact that they'd had sex before they should have. The sex had ruined everything. The sex was what had driven him insane. He should've held onto his V-card and let Renji romance him for a good long time. They could've taken things slow from the beginning if only Ichigo had been less stubborn, but no, now they'd fucked and Ichigo couldn't erase that from his head. It was impossible to put the horse back in the barn.  _Damn._  He wished he could just be satisfied with how things were, with his sweet idiot of a boyfriend, but no, he wasn't just a boyfriend. He was Ichigo's lover, but there was no loving going on between them. Ichigo knew it was too late to take things slow. They'd had sex and there was no going back, and he'd have to deal with it. Renji was putting a lot of effort into this, and Ichigo knew that he had to clean up his act as well. It might speed things along, at least - and there was also that part where Ichigo might maybe actually care about Renji and want to make him happy.

Ichigo cleaned up the living room in time for Renji to get back, and the big dork had a grin on his mug, showing Ichigo the novelty t-shirt he'd picked out for him, throwing it towards him. Ichigo opened it up curiously, finding that it was the logo for that Doraemon show. Ichigo scowled and threw it away from him, rolling his eyes. How old was this guy he was dating, seriously?

"Oh, hey, I got something for you too," Ichigo said, at which Renji looked up, in the middle of putting some groceries away. Ichigo stared at him for a moment and then flipped him off. Renji just rolled his eyes, going back to what he was doing. "No seriously though, I got you something, you're gonna' like this." Ichigo leaped over the back of the couch and went into his room, bringing back a plastic bag.

Renji straightened up and shut the fridge, taking the bag with a questioning glance. Ichigo stared back at him until Renji looked inside. Then he pulled out a ziplock and promptly freaking out, ripping it open. "O- Wh-" he sputtered, mouth round, before looking back up to Ichigo, then down again in disbelief. "Ghaaaa," he groaned, looking back up and shoving Ichigo's face, then ruffling his hair and shaking him by the shoulder excitedly. "Fuck, Ichigo, you sure know how to fucking spoil me."

"Yeah, I passed the stall earlier, and I thought of you. I mean, how could I not?" Ichigo said, lip quirking as Renji  _immediately_ started stuffing his face on those fish-cakes. Usually when there was taiyaki around, Ichigo didn't get a single damn one, so he'd had his own today when he was out alone walking home from class in his scrubs.

"Mmmmmm," Renji mumbled, chewing, eyes dreamy and affectionate, and Ichigo was  _sure_  he was going to get some tonight. Predictably, Renji leaned in to kiss him, and Ichigo closed his eyes in anticipation, but when he opened them again, Renji had frowned and backed away, taking another bite and then grabbing another cookie out. He made some more satisfied appreciative noises, which frustrated Ichigo to no end. "This is so fucking good, hmmm," he hummed, holding his mouth with his fingertips in contemplation as he chewed. "Hey thanks, that was a real nice thought," he said with a smile, snacking away, and Ichigo was sure he could see 'I love you so fucking much' in Renji's eyes, but he wasn't hearing the words and it felt like failure.

Ichigo groaned inwardly and went back to the couch. He'd been pretty lonely lately actually, even though Renji had been spending his small bits of free time with him. "You wanna'… play something?" Ichigo offered, gesturing to their Atari console. It was ridiculous how crazy their games of Pong could get, because soon it was all about shoving their feet in the other's face to try to screw them up.

Renji looked at him for a second, cheeks bulging, before he shrugged and nodded agreeably. He swallowed, obviously more than he should've at one time because it took him a moment to recover. "Okay," he said, "I'm comin', I'll grab us some drinks."

Ichigo nodded, starting the game up, then settling back against the couch after moving the coffee table to the side so that they could sit on the floor. It was the weekend, so they could probably have one of their movie-nights where they'd lay a blanket down and eat snacks and drink all night.

Renji came over with some hard-lemonade for himself and a beer for Ichigo, plopping down on the couch. His taiyaki were now piled on a paper plate.

Ichigo turned around and looked up at him. It took some gall and the words got stuck in his throat a few times, but he got them out. "You can sit by me," he said, touching his leg, and Renji gave him a look.

"Okay." He got down on the floor next to him and got himself comfortable. Ichigo scootched a little closer, hastily grabbing his controller when Renji started the game with a maniacal laugh. Ichigo smiled a little, enjoying the soothing sound of the pads bouncing the minimalist ball back and forth.

He was to blame for this, Ichigo knew that, but he still wished for just a  _little_  bit more. Renji didn't touch him at all, and Ichigo missed it. They still hung out like they used to, but Renji had this newfound superhuman patience and backed off at the slightest intimacy, even if Ichigo just passed too close into his personal space. He was simply adoring him from a greater distance. He was still sweet, but not obviously so. The gestures were smaller, and there was no touching at all.

Ichigo had admitted in the privacy of his mind that he wanted Renji. He had to figure out a way to ask him back, because although he wasn't worried about Renji's patience running thin and him looking for another bed-partner,  _Ichigo's_  patience was running thin. As embarrassing as it was, he really wanted Renji to do it to him again. He just didn't want to have to  _ask_. Which  _sucked_ , because Ichigo knew that Renji wasn't going to be the one to make the approach. Ichigo would have to do it himself.

Renji was a man of integrity, and Ichigo had basically made him swear not to touch him anymore, and he was keeping his fucking word almost too well. Ichigo missed it. He wanted to ask him to be sweet and nice again, to kiss him and take his clothes off… but without having to  _say_ it.

Ichigo wasn't a very bold person in these situations. He didn't enjoy being the center of attention, although he didn't mind confrontation. However, this was the kind of confrontation he didn't want to have. So just walking up to Renji, grabbing his dick, and saying 'fuck me hard' was definitely out. So was showing up naked around the house. He couldn't count on Renji eventually cracking either, because Renji would  _never_  crack once he'd gathered his determination and it was too late for that.

Ichigo knew he'd have to instigate this somehow, but he didn't know how to make the first move. God, he really wanted it. He wanted it. He wanted Renji to spread him apart and-

Ichigo shook his head, growling a little. Renji cackled to himself, having made a few scores and asking him what was on his mind. "Nothing, keep going."

Thinking about Renji's dick wasn't the best strategy for winning.

Damnit, Ichigo hated himself.  _Renji_  was the pervert, right?  _He_  was the one who wanted it. Renji was the one who'd seduced him and opened the door for all this messed up shit. He'd corrupted Ichigo's mind and now he couldn't stop thinking about it.

Now, that wasn't true, and Ichigo knew it, because he had checked Renji out long before any of this had happened. Ichigo sighed, shoulders slumping, head hanging.

So being forward about it was off the table, since he didn't want to, being subtle wouldn't work, and waiting it out wasn't going to work either, so the only option was…  _nothing._  He'd been cornered into being forward, and he didn't know how long his pride could take it before he cracked and begged Renji for it.

Ichigo stared at the carpet miserably.

He was so fucked.

"Hey, whatsa' matter?" Renji finally asked, having racked up five more points than Ichigo at  _least_. He set the game down and let the balls continue to be shot off from the middle of the screen, all of them either missing or rebounding once as he turned to Ichigo with concern. "Are you okay?" Renji's eyes were that warm brown, and he looked really concerned, really caring. Damnit.

Ichigo felt another one of those fucking 'I-love-you' swells in his chest and wanted to scream. Why couldn't that feeling have been there when he'd needed it to be - before he'd chased Renji off?

"I'm okay," Ichigo said reflexively, "I just… I feel… bad… right now," he explained disjointedly, expression small and dismissive, pursing his lips to the side, eyes low.

"Aw, sorry buddy," Renji said sympathetically, but didn't pry. They both had shit to deal with from their pasts, and they'd long since established their bro-bond of, 'do you want to talk about it? Yes? Then, let's talk. No? Okay, we can do somethin' else then until you're feeling okay again.'

Renji touched his shoulder with his palm, patting once, and then slowly moved his arm around his back, rubbing once or twice, settling in. Ichigo moved closer, snuggling down into the ground a little so that his head rested on the corner of Renji's arm, right where it melded into his chest. Renji grabbed another taiyaki and held Ichigo a little bit as Ichigo snaked his arm around his middle. Ichigo tried to look careless, like this wasn't a big deal, but inside, he was on pins and needles. Renji was calm as could be as Ichigo nudged into his arms. They hadn't touched like this in all of a  _month._

Ichigo looked up to him and told him he was gonna' get him now, grabbing his controller back up, and Renji just smiled affectionately, eyes lidded but not in a smirk or in lust. Ichigo was so sure a kiss was coming, but after a quiet moment, Renji's smile grew on one side, and he blew a piece of hair off of Ichigo's forehead. Ichigo's face burst into flames as Renji broke the eye contact and moved to grab his joystick too.

"Alright. One, two, three, go," Renji said, rebounding the next pellet that was shot at his side. Ichigo was definitely not sulking.

* * *

_No chance, no way, I won't say it, no, no,  
This scene won't play, I won't say I'm in love._

_You're way off base, I won't say it.  
_ _Get off my case, I won't say it!_


	2. Chapter 2

_It's cute in a way until you cannot speak,  
_ _Leave to have a cigarette, knees get weak_

* * *

They had their date on Saturday and spent the whole day together. They had ice cream, went to the boardwalk, took stupid pictures, and went out to a new restaurant together. They went to a gallery-showing in the park, and then as the sun was setting, they headed back to Ikkaku's apartment. This was the part Ikkaku had dreaded.

He'd brought a condom, and all day, it had felt like a time-bomb in his pocket. Yumichika was cheery and sweet - albeit snarky; moreover, he was acting like his normal self as he held his hand, while Ikkaku was an absolute wreck. He wondered how it was so easy for Yumichika to pretend like this was just a normal date, like what would happen afterwards wasn't real. Ikkaku hadn't been able to keep it off his mind, and had been distracted and jumpy the whole time.

When it was finally time, Ikkaku held Yumichika's hand tighter and walked home with him, every step feeling like he was just that much closer to his doom.

His palms were sweating, and he hoped it wasn't noticeable.

"You know, I actually like your apartment," Yumichika commented idly as they entered his rooms and shut the door. Ikkaku said the customary 'feel at home' speech and escaped to the kitchen for a minute to wipe his hands. He came back to see Yumichika looking around his scant book-shelf and then lounging on his couch like he owned it.

"I expected more junk," Yumichika teased, painting a picture of food-garbage and laundry all over the floor. Ikkaku rolled his eyes.

"Pssh, yeah right. What am I, a pig?" Never mind that his apartment was normally  _exactly_  like that.

"Don't get me started," Yumichika said flatly, raising an eyebrow at him, one arm on the back of the couch as he looked over his shoulder at Ikkaku. Ikkaku didn't think of a response quick enough, and Yumichika's expression softened as he extended a hand and made a 'come hither' gesture with one finger.

Ikkaku drifted over and leaned down as Yumichika touched his face and kissed him softly. Ikkaku put his hands on Yumichika's shoulders gently and rubbed slightly, kissing back awkwardly at that angle. Yumichika turned around, knees on the couch cushions, leaning over the backboard and snaking his arms around Ikkaku's shoulders. Ikkaku picked him up effortlessly, taking a moment to enjoy the weight in his arms, the legs wrapping around his back tightly. He could get lost in those legs, slowly running his hands along them, settling one under the thigh. He placed the other on Yumichika's lower back as he carried him to the door at the end of the hall.

Without breaking their kiss, he opened one eye and turned them slightly, raising a leg and using his bare toes to turn the door-handle and kick the door ajar. He shouldered his way in, enjoying the soft sigh Yumichika made against his lips as he slowly set him down and shut the door behind them.

Yumichika's hands ran down his chest, and immediately Ikkaku thought 'this is a mistake.' Gritting his teeth and steeling his resolve, he felt that condom burning a hole in his back-pocket. It was too late to back out. He wasn't gonna' fuck this up. Yumichika gave him a small smile, smoothing his hands over his chest again. Ikkaku slowly took his hand and led him to the bed, letting Yumichika put one leg up and then scoot onto it.

Yumichika was touching him now, hands running all over him, and Ikkaku's hands rested awkwardly on his back. He was so excited, his heart was pounding, but he was so damn nervous that for the life of him he couldn't even bring himself to kiss Yumichika anymore.

Ikkaku sat up at the edge of the bed, running a hand through Yumichika's hair hesitantly, before dropping. He smiled when Yumichika kissed his cheek.

"Come and get me," Yumichika invited, peeling his shirt up a little bit, and Ikkaku's eyes shot down to the skin there, magnetized, saliva filling his mouth. In a disjointed movement, he dug the condom out of his pocket and dropped it on the bed, still staring.

Yumichika took his hand and slowly dragged it to the bare patch, and Ikkaku's fingers closed on the fabric, his thumb skating over the smooth clear skin. He swallowed, scootching towards him, cautiously laying Yumichika down and pulling his shirt up very slowly. He leaned down and kissed his belly-button, to which Yumichika giggled and shoved at his head. Ikkaku smiled and kissed his way up as he rolled his shirt further towards his chin, finally helping him pull it over his head and off, setting it to the side.

On his knees above his boyfriend, Ikkaku ran his hand down his chest once or twice, kissing him on the lips, other hand holding his jaw. Yumichika gave that pleasure-sigh that always went straight to Ikkaku's groin and consequently made him feel enough guilt to halt everything.

His hands went to the mattress and fisted in the blankets. He grit his teeth and kissed Yumichika in determination. There was no backing out. They were at his house, and he couldn't change his mind and tell Yumichika to go home. He would  _not_  fuck this up. Yumichika wrapped his legs up around his hips and pulled his lower body down until they were pressed together. Ikkaku promptly let out a gasp and staggered, falling to his elbows above Yumichika as the little devil moved his hips in a slow sensuous grind.

"What're you doin' ta' me," Ikkaku grit out, grinding his teeth. Yumichika just laughed lowly, kissing his way up his neck towards his ear, and suddenly, shit, Ikkaku couldn't support the weight of his head, letting it rest against Yumichika's shoulder as a hot tongue traced the shell of his ear.

Yumichika's hands pulled Ikkaku's shirt off, running over his muscles and gripping hard, squeezing, stroking him all over, holding him around his back like he was their anchor to the world. Ikkaku just bit his lip until he tasted blood, holding as still as he could as Yumichika kept grinding against him. He just couldn't… he couldn't, no, he just…

"Touch me," Yumichika demanded in confusion, then resorting to a more direct invitation. "Ikkaku, you can touch me." Ikkaku cringed. He  _could_  just ignore this guilt and make love to Yumichika until they both ran their stamina dry, but Ikkaku would wake up feeling horrible, and Yumichika didn't deserve for him to regret sleeping with him. "I'm right here," Yumichika prompted again when Ikkaku got distracted. "What are you waiting for?"

Ikkaku bit his tongue hard, grimacing, and it just spilled out then, because he was so fucking scared that something would go wrong. He couldn't shake the fear that he might be turned on purely by the idea of Yumichika being unwilling somehow, the idea that Yumichika was fucked up and sleeping with his assailant, and Ikkaku didn't want things to be that way.

Ikkaku moved off of him, sitting back. Yumichika sat up, face pinched in a small pout, eyes narrowed.

"I'm  _waiting_  for you to get pissed at me and tell me to get off you! I fucking  _raped_  you in a freezer!" he shouted, hands turning into claws in front of his chest as he tried to make Yumichika grasp the awfulness of that. "I liked it!  _You_  wanted to date me after I did it! I raped you and we started dating! Someday when people ask how we got together, one of us'll have to say it's because we were locked in a freezer together and I took advantage of that! What the fuck is okay about that to you?! Why is that not getting through your thick skull! I  _raped_  you!"

"Ikkaku, I pretty much made you do it with that toothbrush-comment," Yumichika said smoothly, eyes piercing holes in his head. "How could you  _not?"_ Ikkaku let out a rough breath, digging his nails into his scalp. His boyfriend was so fucked up. Didn't Yumichika get that even though he'd been a little shit and unnecessarily cruel, it didn't make it okay that Ikkaku had cracked, that he'd snapped?  _Nothing_  would make that okay to him.

"You don't get it. This is fucking me up, okay? How am I ever going to know what you mean now?" Ikkaku wailed, "You say you liked me all that time, but you treated me so bad. Your words  _and_  your actions are fucking backwards, and now they're  _not,_ which makes it  _double-backwards_. What am I supposed to do now that you're being so nice to me? What do I do? I feel like I'm playing Russian roulette with my dick, and it's awful. I feel awful," Ikkaku said, voice going small and broken.

Yumichika snorted.

"No,  _shut up_. Wipe that look off your face, you little jerk," Ikkaku snarled, glaring at him. Yumichika just bit his lips and snickered a little. "You treat me like shit for months, and then I finally snap and we have sex, and even though you said 'yes', I'm rough as  _shit -_ and then it comes out that you like me. Now you're a frickin' sweetie. What the  _fuck?_ "

Yumichika closed his eyes and raised his eyebrows, shrugging once. Ikkaku growled and looked away from his naked chest, crossing his arms hard. "It's called 'tsundere.' A lot of men like it."

"I don't  _think_ ," Ikkaku snapped, "that it's supposed to get that extreme."

Yumichika was quiet for a moment, shrugging again, seeming to look unsure then. Ikkaku's shoulders slumped. His boyfriend's diva attitude was unbearable at times, but he truly didn't want to make him feel bad.

"Anyway… You know," Ikkaku rubbed his neck awkwardly. This shit was going  _horribly._  "Now that I think about it, you were actually nice to me when I was following you around with those puppy eyes… You know, before I said anything about liking you. Why is that?"

Yumichika sighed wistfully. "It's nice to know what you want and that you like me, but to hear you say it out loud is different. I thought maybe you cared enough to like me silently… I don't know. I wanted you to like me enough that you would still be fine with being friends. So when you broke and asked me out, I thought there was a breach of respect. Like as if, that's all you were ever after and you were never interested in me as a person, just how I look. I thought there was no respect there."

Ikkaku's face scrunched up and he shook his head wildly, "I  _do_  respect you. How could I fall for someone I don't respect?"

Yumichika crossed his legs and bit his thumbnail, something Ikkaku only caught him doing when he was embarrassed, which rarely happened. Ikkaku blinked in surprise. Had he said the wrong thing?

Yumichika, slightly flustered, expressed with his hands as he spoke, "You don't know what it's like to…" He swallowed visibly and looked down at his lap. "I always have people after me, so when people are nice to me, I always have to wonder  _why._  It drives me crazy... When you were so sweet to me but didn't ask me out, I hoped… that… that I'd found someone different who wasn't chasing me short-term… who was genuine and who really liked me for  _me_. I thought you wanted to get to know me. So… I guess the bitterness when you seemed not to have self-control and just blurted it out… the bitterness just got to me."

Yumichika put two fingers to his temple, avoiding his eyes. "Then when you were so nice to me again after we had sex, even after everything I said and did, I just couldn't help myself. I wanted to start over and treat you better... I can't keep trying to chase you away when I don't  _want_ you to go."

'…  _Awww.'_  Ikkaku's heart squeezed hard.

"I see that I was wrong about you, and I see that maybe I was too harsh, and I really just am trying to fix things, alright? You're not a bad person, and you deserve for me to be my best. That's why I'm trying to be nice," Yumichika said, narrowing his eyes suddenly. "Although, if it's such an issue, I can stop anytime."

Ikkaku was quiet for a minute. "You thought… You thought that I was after only one thing and that I was gonna' hurt you."

"But I was mistaken. You're a complete softie."

Ikkaku shook his head, his stomach having dropped through the floor. "No. I proved you right about me… I  _did_  hurt you." He sat there in a daze, staring at his hands. Yumichika had been testing him… and he'd  _failed the test._

Yumichika looked up like he'd forgotten he was there for a second. "Yes, but you won't do it again. You said you won't do it again, and I believe you. I'm the one who drove you to it in the first place," Yumichika said flippantly. "I consented Ikkaku, it wasn't a rape. You're being paranoid and making yourself think you're more of a monster than you are. You're like... Komodo dragon on the scale of monsters. See? Not even a fantasy creature yet, still just a regular animal with bad breath." Ikkaku had no response, still staring at his hands in horror at his revelation.

Yumichika frowned lightly when he saw that his snarky rambling wasn't helping. Ikkaku looked  _miserable._  Yumichika shifted awkwardly. Damn, he was horrible with comforting people. "Don't look so..." Yumichika cleared his throat. "Ikkaku, it was my fault. I goaded you into it. I kept provoking you."

Ikkaku shook his head hard, grimacing, feeling like crying. Now that he understood Yumichika's sad and twisted motivation behind everything, Ikkaku really felt like he'd committed battery on two counts. He was such an asshole, he was such a fucking asshole. "I should've had better willpower."

"Do you have willpower now?" Yumichika asked coyly, trying to lighten the mood as he unbelted his pants. Ikkaku pursed his lips and looked over there, but he didn't move.

"Yes." Ikkaku grit his teeth as Yumichika opened the button on his jeans and raised an eyebrow as if to say, 'how about now?' "Fucking steel," Ikkaku insisted.

"I can melt steel," Yumichika said breathily, smiling and licking his lips. Ikkaku felt his heart kick into high gear and a shudder ran through his whole body. Shit. Fucking shit.

His erection had other plans, but Ikkaku grabbed his own calves hard, legs folded, and just sat there like a rock. Yumichika reached a hand out and rubbed his back. Ikkaku's jaw tightened as Yumichika's fingers began making an extremely slow walking motion up his spine, stepping on each vertebrae. Yumichika was trying to tempt him, but it wasn't going to work. He was a brick wall, he was a boulder, he was a steel door. He would not be moved. "No," he said shortly.

Yumichika rubbed lower, rubbing –  _'Ohhhh, fuck, that's good.'_ Ikkaku's eyes fluttered shut for a moment before he just about had a spaz attack, flipping out and retreating to the headboard like a scared animal, glaring at Yumichika and pointing.

"No, okay? Just no," Ikkaku said lowly, growling, in a defensive stance. Yumichika just laughed a little bit, shaking his head and lying on his back, lounging up by the pillows as Ikkaku hopped off the mattress to get away from him.

"Okay," Yumichika agreed, and Ikkaku crouched on the floor for a few moments before cautiously getting back on the bed, facing away from Yumichika, legs crossed as he glared at his hard-on and willed it to go down.

His efforts were ruined when he heard a long sensuous sigh from behind him; his shoulders shot up, the hair rising on his arms. He could  _hear_  Yumichika smiling, baiting him so plainly that it was overly obvious and almost humorous, like it was bad porno dialogue. "Hnnnn, Ikkaku, It's so hot in here, but I can't get out of these clothes. My zipper is stuck. Please, won't you help me?"

Oh geez, Yumichika was sure making this tempting, but he wouldn't budge. He had willpower, he could control himself. He just couldn't get over what he'd done before, especially after hearing that Yumichika had only been afraid of being used, and was now trying to fix things. He wouldn't let himself slip up again. He had to prove to himself that he could sit here and keep in control.

"Do it yourself."

"But I need someone  _strong_. You'll do just perfectly." Ikkaku considered it for a moment silently. That certainly tugged on the masculine part of him that wanted to prove himself a good lover.

"…"

With some exaggerated almost comical moaning in which he could certainly hear Yumichika smiling, he caught a bunch of clothing rustling, and oh shit, Ikkaku just  _couldn't_  turn around now. Yumichika was undressing, wasn't he? Oh fuck, he had to look. No… No, he couldn't. His eyes got wider and wider as he heard Yumichika's pants come off, and yet more rustles, the snap of elastic.

"…" He let out a harsh breath, biting the knuckle of his thumb. "You're making this really hard to resist," he groaned, brow furrowing as his other hand gripped his erection through his jeans and squeezed. ' _Fuuuck. Just get over there and make love to him. He's your boyfriend and he wants it. You want it. Just give in. Just give in. Give. In._ Fuck,  _just_ turn around _.'_

He put a hand down to his side and made to turn around. ' _No. You're a man, and a man's gotta' have a little restraint.'_  He dropped his head into his hands as he heard that elastic waistband snap once again and then slide. His erection twitched. ' _A man's gotta' have self control. Self control. You like him a whole lot and he deserves a man, not an animal. You can do this.'_

"Hmmm." He could hear Yumichika's tongue parting from the roof of his mouth and a slow wet noise. Rubbing. Fabric. Skin… Skin sliding…

' _FUCK!'_

He heard weight put on the mattress, a slow creaking, and suddenly, Yumichika's hands were on his sides, wrapping around his front, his chin on his shoulder. He could feel a bit of skin on Yumichika's side rubbing against his back, the side of his thigh pressing against his sacrum. Ikkaku's eyes went wide and his breath ceased. Was he  _naked?_

He let out a dry sob of self-pity, eyes screwed shut. Fuck these hang-ups.

"Why won't you hold me?" Yumichika asked, running a finger under Ikkaku's chin to turn his face towards his a little. Ikkaku gave a small shrug, meeting his eyes pitifully as their cheeks rubbed together. "Really, Ikkaku, what's the matter? Is it just not doing anything for you? Are you hurt? What's wrong?"

Ikkaku gave a long sigh, fists clenching as more of Yumichika's skin pressed against his bare back. He wanted more than anything to just turn around, grab his naked boyfriend in his arms, and  _throw_ him into bed, never mind that they were already  _on_  the bed. His resistance was starting to crumble and chip away, but he had to hold on just a little longer.

"It's too soon," he got out uncertainly. "I date for a year before having sex." Usually that was his rule, but things had been fucked up ever since they'd done it in the freezer. Their relationship was messed up and weird, and he didn't know what to do about it. He'd never hurt one of his love interests before and it was really fucking with his head.

Had it been the circumstances, an isolated incident, some weird one-time thing, or was he really  _like_  this? Had he been like this all along? Some sicko rape-fetishist? What if that was who he was? What if he turned around and tried to do it with Yumichika again, but the moment he did, his hard-on went down? How would he live with himself?

"Yeah. I date for a year first," Ikkaku said firmly, although it was kind of late to say that after they'd already done it.

"Oh, but you have to make up for the freezer incident, don't you? That's what's causing all this," Yumichika pinpointed. "You're still upset over it?  _I'm_  not, so why are you? Won't you just forgive yourself?" Ikkaku was silent for a minute. Yumichika sighed. "Take me to bed now, then we can pretend it never happened and wait another year, just as you wish," he proposed. "That way you and I can get over what happened before, and then we'll wait and go slow."

"Like that'll work," Ikkaku said with a scowl that was cut off with a surprised strangled noise as Yumichika licked his neck ever so slowly, leading up to his ear and biting it. Ikkaku clapped his hand over his mouth, eyes scrunched shut. "Ahhh," he moaned through his fingers as Yumichika's tongue ran up the shell of his ear and his mouth latched onto it and sucked. Shit.  _Shit._  He was so fucked.

"It'll work beautifully," Yumichika whispered, kissing his ear and then moving back into his line of vision, chin on his shoulder, hands messing with the button of Ikkaku's jeans where they were wrapped around his front. Ikkaku grabbed his wrists and held his hands still, bringing them to his stomach and holding his fingers fiercely, warmly, with trepidation.

"Once you're reassured that you haven't hurt me and that you can be gentle, things can go back to being sweet again without you wondering. Don't pretend that if we waited a year you wouldn't be driven mad wondering about yourself." Ikkaku's eyes shifted to the side. Damn, if it was bad now, imagine what a year would do to his self-respect. "You'll be reassured that we can be together without you forcing me – not that you ever were – and we'll have that memory. Then we can take things slow. Just do it with me now," Yumichika said, and Ikkaku just listened to the twisted logic that seemed to make the most rational sense at the moment.

Ikkaku let out a long sigh with a wry grin. "You know, I'm starting to think that the basis of this relationship is sex."

Yumichika snorted, a coy smile on his lips. "Mutual hatred, I thought was more like it."

"And now?" Ikkaku asked, turning slightly to catch his eye where his face was right next to him. "What is it now?"

"Passion," Yumichika said, like it was obvious. Ikkaku's heart burned with desire and tenderness. Ugh, he had to be in love. He must be for it to feel like this. He was falling in love. It was probably going to be full-blown no-going-back romantic love within the next week.

"What about love?" he asked uncertainly, although he made sure it didn't show in his voice.

Yumichika pursed his lips innocently, eyes closed, eyebrows raised as he shrugged cutely. "Do you want there to be love?"

Ikkaku's brow furrowed, choosing his words carefully, because ambiguity was no good when it came to getting Yumichika to take him seriously. He had to be head-on direct. "… I think I do." He nodded. "Yes, I do."

Yumichika turned him slightly, and Ikkaku followed him, crawling after him until Yumichika pinned him on his back. To his relief, Yumichika still had his briefs on, and as his lithe body wormed up Ikkaku's in one smooth motion, Ikkaku's bulging erection rubbed against his stomach. "Then I'll love you like you've never been loved before," Yumichika said in a whisper. Ikkaku shivered and his hands drifted upwards slightly, stalling.

"That had better not be a euphemism for sex," Ikkaku warned.

"Not entirely," Yumichika said with a sly grin. Fuck this man. Ikkaku's head dropped back as he laughed with a sigh. Yumichika splayed his legs, one going on either side of Ikkaku's body, straddling him, and Ikkaku moaned through buttoned lips, stomach tightening up.

His hands cautiously strayed to each of Yumichika's thighs, thumbs rubbing slightly. He'd decided that it was okay for them to do this, but he still felt kind of… apprehensive.

"Are you  _sure_  you're okay with this?" Ikkaku asked suspiciously and really nervously. Yumichika just smiled, kissing his nose.

"I forgave you for what happened. You need to forgive yourself. We've both done each other wrong, and the way to move forward is to leave that behind and start new with no hits on either of us." Ikkaku sighed, but nodded. "So why don't you seduce me a little," Yumichika invited, whispering, eyes smiling coyly in the darkness. Ikkaku cleared his throat, giving his best go.

"Uh… I like your… butt," he said awkwardly, lips flattening into a tight line as his hands crept up slowly, finally resting on the soft squishy toosh that he'd been staring at for upwards of six months. He gave a cautious squeeze, fingers tightening until they were embedded in the soft flesh, and that was  _so_  satisfying, he couldn't believe it. "Feels like you bike a lot," he went on, wiggling his grip a little bit but not easing back, and god, would someone shut him up?

"Hm," Yumichika laughed, seeming to be absolutely charmed by his dorkiness, leaning down and kissing him, and suddenly, Ikkaku had his arms full and was being kissed breathless. All he could do was hold on and lay there as Yumichika slid down him and grabbed his belt, opening it up. One glance at Yumichika opening his belt-buckle and loosening the leather strap had Ikkaku's head falling back and his hands holding the sheets tight, eyes wide and locked onto the ceiling.

Shit, Yumichika wasn't fucking around, getting his jeans and boxers around his ankles within five seconds. Ikkaku compulsively closed his legs for a second, but was consumed by wet heat almost immediately, leaving him moaning and looking down in disbelief, hands hovering over Yumichika's head as he watched on.

"Sh- shit," he choked out as he watched those lips he'd seen playing around with bubblegum countless times wrapped around his cock and sucking hard. Fuck, Yumichika was doing it like he fucking meant it. "Shit," Ikkaku repeated, hands twitching into loose fists, just floating there above Yumichika's head and shoulders as he bobbed away.

"Oh holy shit," Ikkaku gasped, chest heaving, hands finally dropping and touching Yumichika's elbows on either side of him where they rested next to each of his legs. Yumichika's fingers wrapped around the base of his cock as he bobbed his head, tongue working sinfully slowly. There was a little popping noise as he pulled back, and Yumichika smacked his lips, before licking inside Ikkaku's slit to gather pre-cum. Then he sucked him back inside with a wet slurp, humming like he was really enjoying it.

Ikkaku gasped, breathing like he had apnea, shuddering all over. Would you believe he'd never had a blow-job before today? He swore he could feel Yumichika's hot throat just a little bit each time he went down, and oh fuckkk, he was going to die, wasn't he? Yumichika was taking him to heaven right now.

Yumichika swallowed with him inside, and Ikkaku's eyes rolled back in his head.

As soon as he could breathe again, he leaned up slightly on one elbow to watch, rubbing Yumichika's face with one hand, encouraging him every time he had enough air to do so. "Yeah… Oh, yeah, just like… Shit, you look so good. You're so good, yes, fuck, fuck-" he panted, seeing one of Yumichika's hands had gone back and inside his underwear, moving rhythmically. Shit, Yumichika was fingering himself.

Ikkaku whimpered brokenly, eyes falling shut as his head dropped onto his pillow. He let out a long low whine like a wounded animal, a breathy sound catching and leaving his throat as Yumichika sucked at the head, swirling his tongue around it. A dry sob escaped as he pounded at the bed with his fist, biting the knuckles of his other hand. Fu-huuuck.

Yumichika wasn't even close to through with teasing him apparently, because he pulled back with a zealous gasp, licking his lips, a little trail of saliva connecting his mouth and Ikkaku's cock. It twitched as Ikkaku let out a stuttered curse-punctuated moan.

Yumichika smiled and ripped the condom open with his teeth in one motion, gripping Ikkaku's cock and rolling the rubber down over it with both hands. "Lube?" Yumichika asked, and Ikkaku just lay there breathlessly for a moment, gazing at his pretty boyfriend over him.

"Huh?"

Yumichika's face soured as he sat back skeptically, like he was considering putting his clothes right back on. "You bought some, didn't you? Lube is not  _optional_  during sex. Don't tell me you thought 'lubricated condom' means an effective substitute for the real thing. That freezer incident was just a blip. Contrary to what your guilty-conscience believes, I don't enjoy pain, and I'm not doing it without lubricant."

Ikkaku blinked for a minute, before his brain caught up and remembered that he did buy some and that it was in a shopping bag in the bathroom under the sink. He told Yumichika, sitting up and watching him walk out of the room and get it. On the way back, Yumichika was unhooking his underwear from his ankles and crawling back on the bed smoothly, long slender legs folding beautifully as he cracked open the unused aluminum tube and rubbed some of the lotion on his hands, warming it up and turning it into oil.

Pumping Ikkaku's erection once or twice, getting the rubber thoroughly slippery, Yumichika rubbed some of the oil between his legs with a low hum. He straddled Ikkaku heavily, pushing him down into the mattress and rubbing his butt against his cock, pinning it to his stomach. Ikkaku moaned, hands gripping the bed helplessly as Yumichika smiled and bit his lip.

Shit, they were about to have sex. Ikkaku grit his teeth, knowing Yumichika was going to pleasure him like crazy and there was nothing he could do about it. All he could do was gasp, "You… I'm so glad that I got to meet the real you. Be good to me," he panted in traditional Japanese, as if they were meeting for the first time. Yumichika's smile faltered and Ikkaku could see him swallow.

"Kochira koso yoroshiku." he said in his ear, kissing him. "I'll be better than the best."

"Haaah," Ikkaku moaned tightly as Yumichika sunk down on his erection, pressing them into the bed, hardly stopping for a moment before Yumichika began rolling his hips, holding Ikkaku's wrists down. "Oh," he mumbled, the heat and tightness unlike anything he'd ever imagined. It was dulled with the condom on, but compared to that day they'd been locked in the freezer together, Ikkaku liked this much better. There was no chafing, no grating, no rawness, just smooth slick warmth. And it felt… it felt  _right._ There was no more weight on his shoulders, no more troubles on his mind, just bliss and a sense of  _rightness_  that somehow made everything make sense.

Yumichika's slim body pressed against his, and Ikkaku lifted his own legs, bent at the knee, making the perfect angle for Yumichika to ride him. His hands balled up into fists where Yumichika pinned down his arms, and all he could do was shudder and gasp as Yumichika smiled at him, hair in a whirl.

Ikkaku had wanted this for so long, to try to get Yumichika to fall for him again, but every time Yumichika leaned down to kiss him or smiled like Ikkaku was the man for him, Ikkaku was the one who fell in love.

* * *

_Whack!_

" _OW!_  What the  _fuck?!"_

Ichigo couldn't believe he liked this idiot sometimes. He was always pulling dumb shit like this and driving him fucking crazy. Ichigo hit him again, scowling, trying to get him out of his way.

Renji hit him back with a broom handle so hard that his hands hurt from the force rattling up it, but Ichigo had successfully blocked. Yeah, they were in their mid-twenties, close to graduating college and having grown-up jobs, and they were fighting with the fucking brooms.

"I'm trying to do some goddamn cleaning, would you just-"

"You're the one making a fucking mess!" Ichigo shouted. "Look at this shit!" He pointed at the dust all over the room.

"That's  _your_   _fault!_ " Renji practically screamed, clawing at his eyesockets in exasperation as he fell into senseless ranting. "You were the one knocking all that shit off the ceiling. I was going to dust it later, but you just got the floor dirty  _again!_  You always complain that I don't ever clean, and then you fuck this up and say  _I_  did it! Quit slapping the ceiling and coating the kitchen in  _shit! You're making my job harder!_ "

"Would you shut up and get out of my way?! You have to dust first, otherwise you'll have to clean the floor  _again,_ dumbass! It's common sense!" Ichigo snapped, kicking Renji away and getting another whack to the side. They'd already cracked the plaster and had broken a plate, but they were ignoring the damage, as they always did until it was too late to reverse.

"Just lemme' do this my way and get off my back!"

"You're fucking it up, so I'm taking this job away from you!"

"I didn't ask your opinion!"

"Neither did I! Move it!"

"Get the – fuck – outta' – here!" Renji hollered, beating Ichigo's broom harder and harder, trying to back him out of the kitchen, but Ichigo deftly shoved him back with a foot to the gut. "Get out! What the fuck are you even doing in here when you  _clearly_  can see me already sweeping the floor?" Renji growled, and Ichigo just glared back, feeling like they were in high school again. These shitty arguments happened pretty much every day, and god, Ichigo got so frickin' irritated, but it helped him burn off the steam that built up from sitting still in class all day.

And all that sexual frustration that he'd suddenly been tossed.

"Fuck you!" Ichigo shouted back, blocking again and ducking, parrying, and then getting locked against the wall. Renji glared, mouth drawn tight, eyes narrowed in a dead-pan stare, his hair coming down a little bit. He looked like he had been wrung dry and worked down to the bare bone,  _daring_  Ichigo to test him and see what happened. Ichigo raised an eyebrow. "I was getting this huge spider before it dropped into your hair and crawled down your neck into your shirt, and touched all over your skin with its legs."

Renji immediately backed off and grabbed the back of his neck, rubbing hard, looking up and ducking, moving out of the kitchen in a crouch. "Ugh!" he shouted, pissed that Ichigo had used that against him, "You little  _shit_ _!"_

"Hahaha," Ichigo laughed, grinning widely, knowing full well what thinking about spiders on his body did to Renji.

"Where is it?" Renji asked, holding dead-still, arms away from his torso, feet apart, teeth gritted. "Okay, yeah. Okay," he repeated, breathing carefully, toes curling. "Alright. I just have to shave my head and take a shower, then change the sheets, and then-"

"It's right here," Ichigo said, pretending to pick something up by pinching the ground and then letting Renji move in for proof. All of a sudden, he threw it in Renji's face, finding it hilarious when he flinched back, shouting in surprise and disgust, arms snapping up for protection. Of course, he hadn't thrown a damn thing, and Renji realized that when Ichigo practically choked from trying not to laugh.

"I'm gonna' spank you," Renji growled, eyes dark and sinister, "You'd better fucking run, because it's coming." He threw his broom down and lowered into a fighting stance. Ichigo just stood there, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah right, like you'd ever-"  _Smack!_

Ichigo blinked, standing there silently thinking, 'oh you did  _not_ ', murderous rage filling up the thermometer in his head and bursting it.

"Yeah, that shut you up real fa-Hh-" Renji grunted, head snapping around as Ichigo punched him right in the face. "Oh, that is  _it!"_  Renji shouted, grabbing Ichigo's fists, which were still barraging him with a string of never-ending blows, "You're going to your fucking room!"

Before he could say something like 'make me', no joke, Renji grabbed him around the waist, picked him up like he was nothing, and carried him kicking and screaming into his bedroom. Ichigo was breathlessly grinning as he was thrown down on the bed, and as he sat up, he watched Renji slam the door and heard him pile something against it.

"What the fuck?!" Ichigo screamed with an incredulous laugh when he heard Renji breaking into laughter out there. "How am I supposed to clean, you dirtbag?!" Ichigo called, touching his butt where Renji had slapped him.

"I'm mad at you and I don't wanna' look at your face, so  _I'm_  gonna' do it! You're useless, now take a break before I do something I regret," Renji said, footsteps retreating. Ichigo pursed his lips, whistling a little.

"You sure you're okay by yourself with that spider still out there? It could be anywhere." It took ten seconds for Renji to unbarricade the door and glare at him, blocking the doorway with his body, shoulders hunched and fists clenched.

"Go get it, right fucking now," he growled, and Ichigo snickered, passing by him, laughing and stumbling when Renji grumbled and shoved him hard between the shoulder blades. "I don't wanna' hear shit from you either, now go get it." Ichigo just privately shook his head and sighed with a smile.

Ichigo was starting to realize that even though the arguing really and truly drove him up the wall and blew his temper to shit, he thought that maybe he liked it. Maybe it made him like  _Renji._  Maybe.

Renji hovered near him anxiously, face a vicious scowl, but his fists were opening and closing, stance ready to bolt in case Ichigo decided to throw the spider at him when he really found it this time. Still, he stuck around, needing to  _see_  Ichigo find it so he could be sure that it was outside. It wasn't that he was afraid, honestly not, because he was fine with touching them on his own terms – he just didn't want the little shits touching him without him  _knowing,_  especially not his hair. He'd woken up with one on his face before, and then in the ensuing panic, he'd lost track of it on his bed; he wasn't going through that shit again.

Ichigo handed it off to him in a paper towel and Renji crushed it himself, taking it all the way down to the garbage cans on floor-one of their apartment complex. Meanwhile, Ichigo cleaned up the broken glass and plaster bits.

Ichigo smiled a little, then let it fade away in contemplation as he watched Renji scrub the floor on his knees and wipe his forehead, all from the comfort of the couch now that he wasn't banned to his room.

Now, a foolish man might think that he was in love after all that he felt and all that had happened, but Ichigo had thought he was in love before and had later second-guessed himself, but… looking at Renji and feeling that something…

Not the warm buzz he'd been waiting for, not the lightning flash, not the hot muggy passion, but… this undeniable wave of peace and comfort… security. Even with all of their roughness and the craziness of their fights, Renji was such a comfort to him, simply by  _being_  so out of control. He let Ichigo be his punching bag, the outlet for his stress, and Ichigo was the same for him. They were obviously going to be good together if Ichigo let this go on, and he was getting close to saying 'fuck who doesn't think so.' They'd be good together, and he didn't care as much who gave two shits about it. He wanted this. He didn't just want to sleep with him, he wanted… he wanted the relationship that Renji had been trying to maintain between them.

It was just hard to… hard to admit it, to accept it.

He really might be in love… like actual  _love._  With a guy. With his friend. With a guy he'd repeatedly had sex with.

Renji had... Ichigo hated to even think it, but Renji had been really...  _sweet._  He'd been so understanding and wonderful and  _patient_  that it really made Ichigo see how good of a catch he'd been landed with. He wanted Renji to feel that way too. He wanted to be a good boyfriend, he just... Ichigo wasn't confident about that stuff. He was in love for the first time -  _maybe -_ and it was all kind of scary and weird.

Ichigo put his fingers to his mouth and gave a quiet sigh. Well what the fuck was he going to do about it, then? He still didn't want to come out and say it. He still wasn't completely sure, because his 'love' feelings might do another disappearing act if he told Renji that it was okay to go back to being romantic like before.

He didn't want to chase Renji off again. Renji didn't deserve that shit. He wasn't going to be a fucking heartbreaker, and he wanted to be  _sure._  The problem was that he was ninety percent sure, and the other ten percent just wanted to fuck some more. Maybe there was a little tiny nonexistent thing that was actually bigger than anything else, a  _thing_  that really wanted…

Ichigo wanted that sweetness back, okay?

He wanted to give that hand-holding sappy shit another go. He wasn't so afraid of it anymore and he wanted to try again, but he didn't want to  _say_  it. Saying it was always the problem, because that would be  _admitting_  it. Admitting it felt like giving up, it felt like failure, like a mark on his pride. Worse was that if he said it, it couldn't be  _un-_ said.

It had been about an hour, and Ichigo had finished up bumbling around in his closet, folding his laundry, and when he wandered back out, Renji was wearing his reading glasses on the couch, hair down, a huge textbook open, assignments around him on the remaining cushion. God, was he gorgeous. Ichigo swallowed.

"Hey," Ichigo called, sitting down by him sideways, one leg up on the couch, one arm on the backboard, a finger rubbing Renji's shoulder searchingly. Renji made a soft noise, eyebrows rising, and then as if he'd noticed Ichigo finally, he looked up from his book.

"Hey," he replied simply, looking back to the passage he'd been reading.

"Whatcha' doin'?" Ichigo asked mildly, trailing his finger over Renji's shoulderline, up to the back of his neck, scratching a little. Renji hummed in response, moving in by an inch, but his attention wasn't stolen completely from his work.

"Studying for thermodynamics," he answered finally, writing something down, tongue out to the side, in deep concentration.

"You wanna' take a break?" Ichigo asked after a long moment, building up the nerve, fidgeting. Renji looked up and marked his page, closing his book. Then he nodded, attention on Ichigo, body relaxed, legs open.

Ichigo was only in his boxer-briefs and a t-shirt, since it was so hot out, and to his surprise, Renji was in these full-length sweat-pants and a t-shirt of his own. He had to be burning up, but he looked content, even with his hair down. He should be sweltering, and more importantly, horny, but in pants like these it would be really obvious, and Ichigo didn't see  _shit._

Ichigo drew his other leg up and sat still, swallowing uncomfortably as they both just stared forward at the wall for a minute. Renji had far better self-control of his body, it seemed, because Ichigo hadn't caught him with an erection even once since their deal. Ichigo however, was a hot mess.

Renji either wasn't turned on by him, or had an iron will. Both were issues. Ichigo was so tired of waiting already, and it had only been a month. He hated being so confused, especially when concerning his own feelings. He was longing for a touch that he wouldn't ask for. He just couldn't act on his desire, but he  _had_  to. He was going to try. Why was it so fucking scary? It wasn't like Renji would reject him, right? They were already together. Nothing to be nervous about. Nothing.

Damn, he was sweating.

Renji took a moment to close his eyes and let out a long breath, enjoying the silence and the opportunity to rest his brain. Ichigo fidgeted madly, putting his legs back down, hands on either side of him as he inched closer, then closer again.

Renji stoically ignored him, as if he wasn't obviously scooting over to him. Ichigo finally was right next to him and put a hand on Renji's face, turning him towards him. He clenched his eyes shut, wrinkling his nose, and kissed Renji's mouth, basically just mashing their lips together.

Seconds passed and Ichigo's eyes opened. Renji wasn't doing  _shit._  Ichigo kissed him a little more, but received no response. He pulled back, sitting normally again, staring at the wall with his hands in his lap. Renji did the same thing, not even looking at him or moving hardly, perfectly calm. Ichigo began sweating bullets and growing red at the lack of reaction, confidence shot to hell. Finally, he got up and stomped away.

Renji knew. Renji  _knew_. Renji was making him  _say_  it, was that it?

Ichigo stomped right back into the room, and Renji calmly looked back over the edge of the couch at him. Ichigo inhaled, and tried to say something and then let the air right back out, infuriated by Renji's non-expression. Oh, he was so fucking mad and red in the face, he was gonna' explode.

"Look…" Ichigo began, gritting his teeth, "Maybe I…" His anger began to dwindle into uncertainty and embarrassment, even shyness. "Maybe I sort of appreciate you, and... Well, and- and maybe I like it when… you touch me," he got out, eyes on the wall, anywhere but Renji's face as his fingers curled anxiously. "And maybe I like  _you_  too," he said, leaving himself with a loophole.

"…" Renji didn't say anything, just watching him calmly. Ichigo chanced a glance at his face and quickly darted his eyes away again. He blushed redder, squirming where he stood. He felt naked, in a bad way. Those words weren't good enough, huh? He'd have to try harder.

"Maybe I love you," he said as plainly as he could, with as little malice and reluctance, looking up for a reaction, seeing that Renji had stood up with a careful expression, as if he was thinking and trying to pin down one last little thing.

"Yeah, I…" Ichigo trailed off, clearing his throat as Renji strolled towards him. It'd be worse if Renji was making fun of him, but this silence, it made him feel like he was being interrogated, tortured, because here he was spilling his guts in both senses.

"Yeah," he repeated, nodding, staring at his feet, seeing Renji's toes there in the top of his vision. When he looked up, Renji didn't smile, he didn't frown either, he just looked at him.

"Huh," Renji said, as if he'd thought of something mildly interesting of note, one hand on his chin, the other supporting his elbow.

"Fucking  _say_  something," Ichigo finally snapped. He was starting to get how Renji had probably felt when he'd first tried to ask him out. This was fucking nerve wracking. He just wanted this to be over with. Would Renji just say something already?

* * *

_When I feel you around,  
_ _I was mad as hell when I hit the ground._

_When I see you laugh away  
_ _It hurts but I just won't say,_

_Oh, oh, oh_ … _Love …_


	3. Chapter 3

_She moves through moonbeams slowly_  
She knows just how to hold me  
And when her edges soften  
Her body is my coffin.

* * *

Ikkaku lay on his back naked, stuck to the bed. Yumichika smiled and trailed a finger over his chest, propping his head up on his arm as he pecked Ikkaku's cheek and lounged against him. "Well? Have you ever been loved like  _that?_ "

Ikkaku couldn't speak, dazed, eyes swimming from pleasure aftermath. He couldn't feel his hips. He tried to say something but all that came out of him was this low gurgle. Yumichika bit his lips and put his fingers to his own mouth. "What, was it too much?"

 _Yeah_ , it was too much. Ikkaku had cum and Yumichika had just  _kept_   _going._ Yumichika tapped his face and he distantly head him mumble, 'I think I killed him.' "Ikkaku, are you okay?"

' _Yeah, say my name_ … _Just like that_ … _Fuck, I can't move._ ' He couldn't think, he couldn't do anything. It was so good that he thought he'd passed out for a minute there. His mouth was open and attracting flies surely, but he was just too stunned and dazed to do anything but lay there.

"Ikkaku."

He couldn't feel his hips. His lower back was so weak that everything below the waist wouldn't move. He was too relaxed. He'd never been this utterly satisfied. He felt like melted  _butter._

"… Is my wang still attached?" Ikkaku finally croaked. Yumichika smiled deviously, and Ikkaku just stared at the ceiling, unawares as Yumichika leaned down and kissed it.

Ikkaku jolted then, hard and rough, a spark of pleasure shooting through him one last time. "F-fuck," he gasped, back arching as his legs and hips suddenly got blood-flow again and were picking up nerve impulses anew. He'd thought he'd gotten completely wrecked for a minute there.

Yumichika peeled the condom off him and then took him down his throat all in one, cum and all. Ikkaku made a noise that he didn't think was even possible for his vocal chords to make, and his hips thrust up so hard that he was surprised he didn't completely brain Yumichika.

Yumichika pulled back, licking his lips, and Ikkaku just let out a shaky moan, staring at him.

Fuck it. He  _had_  gotten wrecked.

"Good?"

Ikkaku just exhaled, looking to Yumichika where he was lying next to him and smiling. He smiled back tiredly and brought an arm around him, clumsily touching his face and giving him a slow kiss, relaxing again. "Hnnnn," he sighed into it, rubbing Yumichika's side lovingly. "Yeah. Real good, you little minx."

"Let's clean up, I feel sticky," Yumichika said, as if he had to take care of that  _right now_ , and Ikkaku grunted, tensing up his sore gut and sitting up, dragging himself to the edge of the bed. Sure, they'd wash themselves off, but Ikkaku wasn't washing his bedsheets again, that's for sure, as nasty as it might seem. He'd have the sweetest dreams with their smell hanging around.

Ikkaku sat on the toilet lid with his arm extended into the tub, testing the water as he waited for it to fill up. Yumichika amazingly didn't even have wobbly legs after that, but Ikkaku felt like a baby deer. Fuck, that had been the best sex of his life - which wasn't saying much, cause' he'd had sex like… what, how many times? He couldn't actually remember. He knew he'd lost his virginity as a sophomore in college with his longtime girlfriend. What was her name?  _Fuck_ , what was her name again? They'd dated for ages, but had she been blonde or, or- Fuck, it wouldn't come to him.

Never mind. The point was Yumichika had been  _good_. He really knew how to grip just right at just the right moments in the right rhythm, and fuck, could he kiss. He was a quiet guy, though, and Ikkaku's neighbors had probably thought he was just masturbating  _way_  too loud.

He could tell Yumichika had enjoyed it too though, because the little jerk was glowing like Ikkaku had never seen.

Yumichika was looking through his bathroom cabinet for a satisfactory soap scent, making his displeasure known, quite noisily. Ikkaku smiled wryly, overcome with affection for his snarky boyfriend. Damn, he was just done for, wasn't he?  _Doomed_  to a life of being nagged and picked at, but oddly enough, he didn't mind so much anymore.

Yumichika finally selected a bodywash and held it over the bath, squeezing the bottle until he was happy with the bubbles coating the cold water. "Get in the tub, already," Ikkaku grumbled when Yumichika started leaning over his sink and fixing his hair in the mirror. Yumichika shook his butt a little and got in the bathtub, feet poking out of the water on the other end. He rubbed his legs together in the soapy bathwater and  _damn_ , Ikkaku didn't think he'd ever get used to how attractive his boyfriend was. Ikkaku got in carefully, the opposite way, rubbing soap over his own arms and legs while Yumichika just enjoyed the cool water and the aroma.

He took a careful inhale and let it out, fingers idly playing in the bubbles. "It smells like you," he commented, feet tickling Ikkaku's sides and drawing him in, "Awful." Ikkaku splashed him, scootching forward and sitting sideways. Yumichika just laughed quietly. Soon he'd wrapped his slick legs around Ikkaku's body, making him lean in, twisting so he could put an arm on either side of Yumichika's body. He kissed Yumichika's eyes with care, skating a wet hand down his cheek. Yumichika sighed happily and embraced him, pressing their naked bodies together. Ikkaku grunted as he got a lapful, holding onto him with a frown.

Yumichika hummed a little bit, lifting one arm out of the water and then the other, rubbing bubbles over them slowly, cleaning off innocently enough, but Ikkaku bit his lip and let his forehead fall down onto Yumichika's shoulder, hands wandering over his chest and tummy. He kissed Yumichika's neck, sucking a bead of dew away and kissing further down his shoulder line, holding his arm up so that he could kiss down his upper arm too, lacing their fingers.

"I knew this would happen," Ikkaku professed with a sigh. Yumichika cocked his head towards him in interest, adjusting himself to sit sideways, thighs over Ikkaku's lap, spine pressed against the far side of the tub.

"What?"

"I can't wait a year now," Ikkaku moaned in despair, bringing Yumichika's hand to his mouth and kissing his knuckles as he moved closer to him, hulking over him, water running down his chest and off his arms. "I can't wait one single moment longer," he admitted, touching Yumichika's arms and rubbing. "How could I?"

A smile slowly spread on Yumichika's face as he opened his legs up and wrapped them around Ikkaku's hips. Ikkaku scowled. "This was your fucking plan the whole time." It wasn't a question. Yumichika just grinned; little bastard.

Ikkaku sat back and let Yumichika slide into his lap, their soapy bodies rubbing together, his erection jutting against Yumichika's stomach. He couldn't believe he was hard again only half-an hour after the fact, but he already wanted more. He'd been a fool to think that he would have the willpower to resist after he'd had a taste of heaven. It couldn't be unlearned.

Yumichika held his face and Ikkaku's arms held tightly around his back as they met for a passionate kiss, bodies slippery and firm against one another. Yumichika made the tiniest softest noise against his mouth, and Ikkaku's heart melted; he rolled his hips slowly against Yumichika's body, a low hum rumbling within his chest. He kissed him sweetly, holding Yumichika's face with a tenderness that he didn't know was possible from hands like his.

"I'm gonna' love you someday real soon. I know it," Ikkaku said quietly, kissing Yumichika's cheek, then his ear as Yumichika held onto him and hummed, smiling. "I'm gonna' love you so hard that you'll regret ever being mean to me," he whispered, getting close to Yumichika's ear and kissing. "I'm falling right now."

Yumichika smiled and his nose crinkled as Ikkaku moved back and pressed their foreheads together. "I'll be the best boyfriend you'll ever have." Yumichika's smile widened as his eyes drifted closed slowly and then back open, and Ikkaku could feel a soapy hand come up to pet his face.

"I know." Yumichika's eyes were filled with so much faith that Ikkaku didn't ever want to let him down.

"I'm gonna' melt you," Ikkaku promised, grinning and pecking Yumichika's nose, hitching one of his thighs on either side of his waist, moving in and rubbing his fingers gently between Yumichika's legs, exploring some, because he hadn't done much of that the first two times. Yumichika was silent, but his eyes slipped closed, and he smiled. Ikkaku looked down, but it was no use because the water was clouded by bubbles and he couldn't see just how Yumichika looked or just where he was touching. He had to feel his way around, touching with apprehension, rubbing slightly. Ugh, he wanted to do it. He wanted to do it again. "Can I put it in?" Ikkaku asked, just to make sure. When Yumichika nodded, Ikkaku moved a little closer, lining himself up and slowly sliding in with a long husky groan.

Yumichika's body fit against his like it was meant to, his slick legs and hips wrapping just perfectly against Ikkaku's larger frame. Ikkaku hulked over him, bathwater running off him as he held Yumichika in his arms. He let out a low breath as the sensation rushed over him again, hot and intense, filling up some part of him that had been starving ever since Yumichika had first insulted him.

He wondered how he'd ever been unable to feel desire when he was burning so deeply. He loved Yumichika's body. He wanted to know everything. He wanted to bring him so much pleasure that Yumichika would love him for a really long time, maybe even forever.

He began rocking his hips, the pace slow and passionate as he latched onto Yumichika's neck. "Mm," he sighed, thrusting deep, his hands moving down to the juncture of each of Yumichika's thighs, holding him against his hips firmly. Yumichika held on around his shoulders, quiet for the most part, but affectionate, making individual breathy sighs that drove Ikkaku wild. Rolling his pelvis in a smooth continuous motion, Ikkaku slowly thrust into him, back and forth, making a small wave in the tub that lapped around their chests. He moved in for a kiss and just stayed there for a moment, his erection pulsating within Yumichika, feeling Yumichika's pulse thundering back against him. The heat was incredible, the cool water feeling great against his skin, but the best was the smooth slide of their bodies together.

They made love for about half an hour, and then Ikkaku drained the water, filling the tub again, leaving Yumichika splayed over his chest and dozing. Yumichika had his ear against his collar-bone, one shoulder snuggled up beneath his own face as he rested, and Ikkaku kept an arm around his back firmly, the other resting on the thigh Yumichika had wrapped around his stomach. He put one leg out of the tub to keep them held up even when they fell asleep. It was hot and muggy enough that they wouldn't get sick from taking a nap in the cold bath.

It was probably past midnight right now, and Ikkaku ran his hand slowly over Yumichika's cheek, curling a piece of hair behind his ear before moving back down to hold him around the waist. Yumichika made a noise in his sleep, twitching slightly, but settled back down with a sigh. Ikkaku smiled, closing his eyes and snuggling closer. Things were finally turning out right.

* * *

Renji made a noise of interest, before raising one eyebrow in contemplation. Ichigo fidgeted like crazy, eyes finally coming off the floor, staring Renji down.

"I love you, okay?! Say something, don't just fucking stand there!" he snapped, tone angry, but expression terrified. God, he hated this feeling. He felt sick, like he was gonna' throw up. Waiting for rejection felt  _awful._ Why was Renji just looking at him so fucking calmly, Ichigo was freaking out! What more did Renji want him to say?!

Finally, Renji rubbed the back of his neck, flippantly saying, "You just want me to fuck you again, is that it?" He shrugged dismissively, turning around and heading back to the couch. Ichigo's stomach dropped, and before he could stop himself, he got out another word.

"Yeah," he admitted, stopping Renji in his tracks, seeing his boyfriend turning around in interest. "Like… like you would when…" Ichigo cleared his throat, eyes going away again. Renji looked at him patiently, waiting as he struggled with his words. Damn Renji and his listening face. It was never there when he wanted it to be, and now he felt like he was under knifepoint. "I get now that it's actually really special for you when we do it, and… Well, I wanna' try for real now," he finally settled on, "to feel it, I mean."

Renji just watched him calmly for a few quiet moments, and Ichigo swallowed hard, able to feel Renji analyzing him and his voice and his body language, catching all these little things that were surely answers to a test he didn't know he was even taking. Renji seemed to come to some sort of conclusion, because he finally spoke again. "You just wanna' fuck, so what difference does it make if it's me or not?" Renji's words weren't bitter or hurt, which confused Ichigo to no end. "Just go out and find someone, it's fine," he encouraged. "That way we can keep taking things slow."

Renji wanted… Renji wanted to… He really didn't want Ichigo to be rushed emotionally, he really wanted him to fall in love with him at his own pace, the right way, so much so that he was willing to let him…

"You don't really want me to do that," Ichigo said with a question in his tone, looking up to him suspiciously.

Renji shrugged, lip protruding a little as if to say, 'yeah, okay.' "You're right," he said simply, leaving it there, arms crossed over his chest now as he waited for Ichigo to say something else.

Ichigo looked at his feet for a second, thinking, still sweating like mad. He knew Renji wouldn't dare make fun of him now that this subject had been deemed serious, but the lack of the normal smug cocky Renji was jarring and it made Ichigo feel even more anxious than he normally would. He needed some levity in this situation, something to get mad at, but Renji was being perfectly mature and patient and it was infuriating.

"Look, I… I just," Ichigo said in frustration, "I've been doing some thinking… okay, a  _lot_  of thinking, and…" He looked up to Renji, who raised his eyebrows, causing Ichigo's gut to clench up. "I… I don't know if it's love yet, or…" Renji's expression went to something that was knowing, and it pissed Ichigo off, as if Renji thought he already knew where this was going, as if Ichigo was saying something he already knew more about. Fucking pretentious-

He shook his head and made himself go on, "Well, I think it's love, I want it to be, just… Look, I don't wanna' fuck this up again, because…" Renji listened on patiently, as still and calm as a fucking anchor against the current of the sea-floor. "Renji," Ichigo said, looking up into his face, swallowing.

"I'd be messed up if you left." That was as close to a love admission as he was going to get right now.

He looked back at Renji for a moment and his heart just filled up with this aching need to say something more. Their relationship had always been intense, even when it had just been a friendship. Their fights were fierce, the arguments irritating, and the space between them could seem almost toxic at times. Sometimes it was hard for Ichigo to keep his head on straight, but he never felt even an ounce of hatred towards Renji, no matter how angry he got.

Ever since Renji had first confessed to him, and ever since Renji had really gotten the chance to treat him how he felt that he should, making him breakfast, hugging him, smiling at him, all these little things that seemed to matter so much, Ichigo began to see that all of that had always been inside Renji and it was coming out, just for  _him._

Renji showed it all the time, despite all the hot-headedness and outright shit-talk he engaged in. He was a deeply caring person and incredibly passionate as a lover. He'd thrown everything he'd had into this, he'd thrown  _himself_  into it, with such severe focus and sincerity that maybe it'd scared Ichigo a little. It was just… he'd never felt so cared about.

Not since his mom had been alive.

"I wanna' feel all of it back for you too," Ichigo said, eyes flicking sideways towards the floor for a minute. Renji deserved it, and Ichigo really wanted this to grow more and more and more, although he wasn't sure it could get any bigger than it was. His heart already felt so full, the feeling so intense. How could this love expand any larger than it already had without him bursting?

"Shit, this is hard. Renji, I just… Renji," Ichigo tried to repeat, rolling his eyes at himself and tilting his head back, staring at the ceiling, biting his lip viciously. "I- I-… I'm glad we're together and I want to keep being boyfriends," he said as fast as he could. "I'm proud to- to be with you, and- I feel lucky that- that- it's me you're acting like this for, and I wanna' be like that for you too, and I want- I, I want-" Ichigo slammed his fists into his forehead, growling. " _Fuck!_  What is wrong with my tongue?!"

After a moment of placidness, Renji's mouth twitched and drew into a warm smile. Then a single laugh came from his chest and he shook his head. "You're too cute for your own good," Renji mumbled, and Ichigo let out a growl of frustration. Hadn't Renji heard  _any_  of that? Hadn't he seen how hard that was?!

"C'mon over here and we'll talk," Renji said, and Ichigo grit his teeth, since it was  _him_  doing more of the actual talking. All the same, Ichigo got onto the couch with Renji, facing each other, Renji lounging like his normal, care-nothing, relaxed self, and Ichigo on his knees, hands balled up and resting on top of his legs in a tense seiza.

"So talk," Renji said with a small smile. Ichigo nodded, pursing his lips, eyes on a spot in the middle of Renji's shirt. "You 'maybe' love me?" he prompted.

"Yanno'… I," Ichigo rubbed the back of his neck and through his hair to calm himself down. "I think… I think I _already_  fell for you, and I just… I didn't feel like I deserved you to act nice to me, because… well…" Uncomfortably, Ichigo shifted a little. "I'm kind of a jerk sometimes."

Renji laughed then, body jolting, but not enough that he ruined the seriousness of the moment or that Ichigo felt that he was being made fun of. "Pfft. I'm not exactly Mr. Nice Guy, either, buddy."

"No, I mean- Ah, geez," Ichigo griped, putting a hand to his forehead for a minute to gather himself, eyes shut. "I was a real asshole when you were trying to be sweet, and I'd never seen that side to you, so I got defensive and thought it must be a trick, but it turned out you're actually just  _like_  that and I was really just that kid who's ungrateful for the things he's given but knows he doesn't deserve." Ichigo threw his head back and let out an exhale through his lips slowly, making a 'prrprr' sound in exasperation. Renji smiled and listened.

"And I was treating you like shit, and you just kept being nice anyways, and it just made me feel like I didn't deserve it more and more, so I was basically throwing your efforts away to try to make you stop…" Ichigo sighed. "But you just kept trying harder, and the truth is, I don't want you to go or stop, I just… I don't want you to be better or try harder.  _I_  want to be better," he admitted quietly, looking at his lap, biting his lip, having said more than he'd meant to. He wasn't about to cry, but he didn't trust himself to say another word without his voice doing something funny.

Renji's face finally melted, and Ichigo felt a warm hand covering his where it was balled up on top of his knee. When he looked up, he saw so much compassion he felt like jumping out a window. "Ichigo," Renji said, extremely heartfelt and firm, almost angry sounding, "I love you just how you are." His face was stony then, and Ichigo dropped his eyes in shame, feeling bad that he'd doubted him.

"There's always room for improvement, though," Ichigo mumbled, not feeling so good about himself all of a sudden. He'd been such a douche this entire time. Maybe he could pin it down to never being in a relationship before, but some of the shit he'd done was just too far and Renji had been so patient with him. He'd purposefully screwed with Renji's head in an attempt to feel something more intense, but he couldn't just play with people like that. "I went way too far with what I did, and I wanna' change that about myself."

Renji turned his face up then by putting a hand on the top of his head, embedded against his scalp and making him tilt his forehead back slightly to meet his eyes. "If you 'improved', you wouldn't be the same, and I couldn't  _love_  you the same. I like you because of the good things and the bad things too, not in  _spite_  of them." He thought for a moment, making Ichigo look him in the eye and believe that. "Stay how you are…" Then he shrugged. "Stop treating me like shit. That's not you. ' _You'_ is a blushy jerk, and that's who I want," he finally joked, expression not breaking.

Ichigo gave a sigh, and Renji let go of his hair. Ichigo's head hung, chin hitting his chest, body flopping forward. Renji rubbed his back a couple times, not mentioning anything about being melodramatic, and they stayed in silence.

"Ugh, why are you such a good person," Ichigo mumbled into the couch, face red; he was so fucking tired of this. Hopefully it was over - as long as he didn't screw up again. "Hey, though. I'm gonna' try hard to do right by you, I swear. I promise, I'll love you good," he swore, fumbling around to pat Renji's leg assuredly, and it was a lot easier to say if he kept himself face down in the couch cushion. Renji seized his hand and dragged him up, smiling at him. Ichigo could see immediately that he'd been forgiven.

Damn, it was hard not to fall in love with a man that loved him way too much. Resistance was futile against that smile.

"Oh, me too. I'm gonna' love you real good," he promised huskily, holding his hand and standing up, giving him a questioning expression. Ichigo nodded eagerly, following behind him into Renji's bedroom.

Once the door shut, Renji turned around slowly, still holding his hand, and Ichigo raised his arms, letting Renji undress him, pulling his shirt up over his head gently. As Ichigo felt the collar go over his eyes, Renji was there beneath their raised arms, smiling, leaning in real slow and meeting his lips with his.

Ichigo sighed softly, eyes drifting closed as he felt comforting waves cover him, an ocean of contentment seeming to envelop him on all sides. Renji threw his shirt down and took his own off, leading Ichigo to the bed and pushing him down playfully.

"Hey, watch it," Ichigo said jokingly and Renji shoved him again, then leaning down to kiss him. Ichigo wrapped his arms around his neck, legs latching around his stomach like a koala to drag him down on top of him. Renji let out a low steamy hum, grinding his larger body against Ichigo's, sinking them into the mattress.

Ichigo moved with him this time, pressing back, hands running down Renji's spine in one motion, nails raking slightly, pleased with the shuddery noise he received and the shaking that set off through Renji's major muscles. Ichigo kissed enthusiastically, this time okay with the slow pace of their tongues caressing each other. Renji pulled back minutely, hair around their faces. Ichigo ran his hand down Renji's cheek and leaned up slightly to press the smallest kiss in history below his eye, suddenly inexplicably nervous. Renji made a noise in his throat, leaning back and grabbing the edges of Ichigo's underwear, pulling the fabric down slowly, all the way off his legs and over his feet.

Ichigo put his hands on his stomach, trying to make the butterflies go away. He was breathless as he watched Renji leaning over him on his knees, messing with the ties of his baggy sweatpants. "Hurry up," Ichigo finally said in a strained voice, mildly upset with being the only one naked.

"Be patient," Renji snickered, teasing, "Like  _me."_  Ichigo swatted him for that, and Renji just laughed out loud, pulling his pants off one leg at a time, revealing that he'd been going commando and wasn't yet hard. Ichigo grabbed him around the shoulders and pulled his naked body down on top of him, rubbing his up against him, on a mission to return some affection this time. Ichigo tried kissing the skin he could reach, apprehensive about the reaction he might receive or whether he was bad at this or not. Renji responded immediately, hardening against him and making a noise deep in his chest as he licked a stripe up Ichigo's neck.

Ichigo ran his hands all over Renji, uncoordinated and unsure of what would feel good to him, but it sounded like it  _all_  felt good. Renji was continuously sighing and shuddering a little, kissing him all over appreciatively. His face was just… the picture of bliss. Ichigo kept trying, thinking about it hard, scraping his nails gently between Renji's shoulder blades and rubbing his sides with his hands.

Eventually, Renji straight-up moaned at the simple attention and grabbed Ichigo behind the thighs, picking his legs up, pushing them back, back, back, until his rear was off the bed, knees on the mattress next to his ears. Ichigo let out a hot breath, hands searching for Renji's knees on either side of him as he felt saliva dripping down onto him and warm fingers rubbing.

When Renji's tongue finally hit, circling around him in a slow gentle motion, Ichigo met Renji's eyes, trying out this no-shame policy of his. He felt all his blood rush upwards suddenly, a flame burning hot within him as he watched the motions of Renji's mouth. Renji's eyes were dark and warm, penetrating him deeper than was comfortable, but it turned him on. This was so… The eye contact was so intimate. It was all about the two of them at this moment, and nothing else. There was nothing else, except them.

Renji gave him a long slow lick, kissing him off to the side before wandering back with his tongue. "Yeah… hnnn," Ichigo sighed. "Blow on it," he whispered, and Renji smiled a little in disbelief, but obeyed, blowing gently, and Ichigo moaned, biting his lip. Renji licked him again, blowing once more, and Ichigo sighed in pleasure.

Renji took his sweet time with his fingers, and eventually Ichigo had to tell him to let him down, because his back was seriously starting to ache like that, no matter how good what Renji was doing felt.

Renji sprawled on his side, one leg cocked at the knee, and Ichigo settled against him. Luckily, Renji had lube under his pillow, and easily slathered Ichigo with a generous amount, rubbing his dick teasingly between his legs, making Ichigo practically beg for him to just put it inside already.

Renji kissed Ichigo's shoulder and finally pressed the slick head against Ichigo's entrance, entering slowly. Ichigo let out a moan, letting him inside easily this time. Renji was getting pretty good at preparing him, and this time it only took about a minute before he was ready. Renji hummed deeply, hitching Ichigo's leg up higher and locking him in a kiss as he began rocking his hips, small smacking sounds resulting.

Ichigo moved an arm back to touch Renji's face, pressing his arching back and shoulders against Renji's hard muscular torso, enjoying the parting and meeting of their hips and the flexing he could feel from Renji's legs. Ichigo threw the sweltering blanket away from him, pushing the pillow onto the floor too, gripping the bed and letting his voice out.

"Fuck, I love you," Renji whispered lowly, rolling his hips maddeningly slowly. Ichigo nodded, unable to make a verbal reply as he shuddered. He did manage to jerk his leg out of Renji's grip and wrap it back around his hip, trying to pull him in deeper. He just wanted to have Renji closer to him, close enough that it was more like both of them being one, alone together in some kind of paradoxical union. He didn't know if he'd been half-talking out loud, but Renji just laughed deep in his chest, snaking his arms around Ichigo's waist and rolling them so that Ichigo was on his stomach, Renji laying on top of him. Ichigo felt his breath being squeezed out of him, but he liked the hot weight above him.

He should've felt trapped, he should've felt dominated, but at that moment all he felt was waves of affection for the man who'd just kissed a path up his spine and was now pressing every inch of skin possible against him. Right then, Ichigo realized that although Renji asked him to submit during sex, he never asked him to surrender. Renji wasn't in this to make himself feel like a man or to be the one and only alpha. They were coupling, and it wasn't supposed to be a battle. Ichigo should've never seen it that way. Renji wasn't his rival, but his partner.

And Ichigo had treated him badly. "Renji?"

"Yeah?" he could hear from right above his ear, feeling every breath Renji took against his back as his chest moved.

"I'm sorry," Ichigo croaked, throat suddenly tight and achey.

"Don't apologize," he could hear softly, the breath hissing past his ear as he felt a kiss pressed there. Damnit, how could Renji just forgive him so easily? It wasn't fair. Ichigo didn't deserve someone like this after what he'd done. He'd done nothing to earn this much devotion.

"But I-"

" _Don't apologize_ ," Renji whispered. "I forgive you. Just don't do it again." Ichigo might've been sniffling just a little as he nodded.

Ichigo's hands reached up searchingly, but soon enough, Renji's big fingers were wedged between his and interlocking tightly. He almost felt the urge to cry as Renji told him he loved him again, and Ichigo returned the sentiment in a whisper, smiling a little when Renji kissed him at an awkward angle. Renji fucked him slowly, but much harder than before, smacking Ichigo's butt roughly against his abdominals, their thighs slapping together as Renji kissed his ear and squeezed him tight with his arms, chest staying pressed to his back.

They stayed like that for about ten minutes, Renji occasionally speeding up or using varying depth with his strokes, going hard until Ichigo's butt and back started turning seriously red. He pulled out finally with a groan, hands running down Ichigo's ass and to his fleshy thighs, squeezing as he bit into his butt-cheek and growled, shaking his head slightly. "Gah, I want you," Renji gasped out, to which Ichigo replied with a snort of a laugh, mentioning how ridiculous that was, since Renji was  _having_  him  _right_   _now._

Ichigo snatched the pillow off the floor, feeling empty inside and wanting Renji back in there. He put the pillow under his stomach, propping himself up on his knees. "Renji?" he called, because he wasn't quite comfortable with the idea of Renji staring at him while he had his ass in the air like that. The insecurity fled as quick as it had come, because Renji was immediately there, entering him again with care and caressing his back.

"What's that, sweets?" Renji asked, body flush with Ichigo's, hips pressed fully against Ichigo's rear, but still pushing in firmly to reach just a little bit deeper inside, pressing directly against his prostate.

Ichigo just let out a long tense moan, melting against the mattress, forgetting what he'd been about to say. Renji laughed lowly in reply, carting Ichigo's body closer to him and beginning in a relentlessly slow pace, the force of his body bouncing Ichigo forward and sending him back for continuously harder thrusts, increasing in speed, although it was still nowhere near rough or fast.

Ichigo just held onto that pillow for dear life, mouth open and eyes shut. It felt so good, so right to finally have Renji's hands back on him, like a long-lost piece of him was finally home. It felt like they were making love now, insanely sweet love, and Ichigo didn't want to stop. All of the embarrassment was worth it. All of the awkwardness and tension and waiting had been worth it, to be able to fully appreciate this. He was actually smiling.

Suddenly, on what had seemed like a random thrust out of the countless smooth ones, Renji pulled his hips back hard, holding him there. Ichigo's eyes popped open as he felt Renji's girth tensing and twitching within him, wet heat shooting out and filling him up from the inside with a resounding groan from the owner. Renji held him still, pushing against him further yet, as if he could force just another millimeter of himself inside, squeeze just one more drop out inside him.

Ichigo let out a long sigh, allowing his heart to slow down, allowing the overwhelming sensations to control him and keep his mind in a warm buzz for a moment. He propped himself up on his elbow, ready to move away, but Renji collapsed on top of him, a heavy slam of hot flesh as thick muscled arms wrapped around his torso, chest molding perfectly against his back.

Renji let out a small breathy 'whew', and then began thrusting again. The pleasure picked up where it left off, an intense burst hitting Ichigo all at once, and he was left moaning hard in surprise. "What're you- Ohhh-" Ichigo heard some sticky awkward noises from between them as Renji kept thrusting wetly, and all he could do was let his head fall back to the mattress, letting Renji rock him hard.

He could hardly even notice what was happening anymore other than the endless rocking, like the ocean, but so passionate. Renji didn't let go of him, his body curling effortlessly above Ichigo's, their chest and back permanently stuck together from sweat. He could hear deep husky breathing in his ear and felt Renji pulsating inside him like thunder, and Ichigo's moaning grew higher and higher, louder and louder, until he couldn't even hear Renji's breath anymore.

He came into the sheets against his front, an orgasm hitting him hard. He seized up around Renji's girth, which should've halted his thrusts considerably, but the wetness inside him just slicked Renji enough that he kept right on going. Ichigo became so sensitive, the pleasure so sharp that it was unbearable, but he was unable to escape it since Renji didn't slow down. His rhythmic thrusts continued, turning Ichigo's aftershocks into sharp spikes of pleasure, so harsh that it was almost painful. It caused Ichigo's moans to turn into straight-out howls. Renji just held onto him, kissing his back, his arms latched on tight, right beneath Ichigo's. The howling broke into whimpering and gasping, his mouth open, but nothing coming out as he felt Renji go even faster, vaguely hearing Renji's grunts in his ear.

It was a pleasantly intense buzz for quite a while after that, and when Renji finally pulled out of him, Ichigo could feel cool air against the wet spot between his legs. Renji rolled Ichigo's useless body over, and he slapped wetly to a stop against Renji's sweaty chest, sprawled there, hair askew.

He could dimly register the digital clock on Renji's bedside table and realized that they'd fucked for a straight hour. He felt like jelly. Endorphins and oxytocin rolled through him in thick heavy waves, leaving him so affectionate for Renji, feeling so loving and content that he just let his head drop back down and kissed the spot where it landed, not moving from there because he had no energy.

Renji wasn't in a much better state, chest heaving and moving Ichigo's head a good two inches with each breath. He felt Renji kissing his hair every once in a while, a hot heavy hand stroking over his side, leaving each place it left pleasantly cool to the air by comparison.

Ichigo's legs were dry by now, and he clenched up to try to bring himself back to reality. He woke up a little, swallowing, enjoying the post-orgasm bliss calmly, eyes blinking, feeling the ceiling fan caressing him with soft gusts.

"How was that? Love me now?" Renji panted jokingly. Ichigo pinched his nipple hard, earning a yelp. Renji rubbed his chest, hissing, having sat up so fast that it had bounced Ichigo right off of him, but he sighed and settled back down when Ichigo draped himself over his chest, kissing him tiredly with a smile.

"Yah'," he said flatly, grinning, eyes shutting as Renji crushed their noses together with a pitiful noise.

"Fuck you, sunshine," Renji choked out, kissing his forehead hard. "I'll kill you, I'm serious," he said warningly, but Ichigo just scoffed and settled his head on Renji's shoulder, forehead touching Renji's cheek. They lay there calmly, eyes open, stroking each other a little until they fell into sleep for a midday nap.

* * *

_Your heart sweats, your body shakes,  
Another kiss is all it takes._

_Yeah, you'd like to think that you're immune to the stuff,  
Oh yeah, but it's closer to the truth to say that you can't get enough_

_You might as well face it you're addicted to love._


	4. Chapter 4

_You've got something I need,  
_ _In this world full of people, there's one killing me,_  
And if we only die once, then  
I wanna' die with you!

* * *

Ikkaku blinked slowly, his breathing gentle and peaceful, Yumichika's soft skin pressing against his side where he held him. They lounged naked on some towels on top of Ikkaku's stripped bed, looking at the ceiling. He'd never known such utter contentment.

Ikkaku was stroking Yumichika's legs gently, running his hands over every bit of skin that he could reach. He couldn't get over the fact that he could touch Yumichika's body, that if he puckered his lips and leaned towards him, Yumichika would lean in and meet him halfway.

"Say, do you know where that freezer key is?" Yumichika asked, breaking the silence of half an hour as quietly and unobtrusively as he could. Something about his voice still set Ikkaku's heart ablaze and he figured it would be months before that started to calm down.

Ikkaku raised an eyebrow, feeling sleepy as he looked down slightly to try to catch Yumichika's eye. Damn, his boyfriend sure was pretty with sex hair and pink lips. He sure was smart and funny and wonderful. He was the best. Ikkaku liked him so much. "No, why?"

Yumichika didn't smile, but his voice was coy and teasing. "I thought I'd keep you company during your little wank sessions."

"Fuuuck," Ikkaku groaned, eyes falling shut as he felt Yumichika's fingers scraping over his scalp and squeezing, rubbing. Any desire to retort that little jab about him masturbating was lost as Yumichika massaged his head. He had the best boyfriend.

 _Pop_.

In lieu of a post-coital cigarette, Yumichika had a pack of bubblegum open, chewing away lazily, blowing bubbles every once in a while, sometimes letting Ikkaku take the bubble in his mouth and snap it for a kiss.

Ikkaku blinked again sleepily. He just hoped Yumichika didn't burst  _his_  bubble before their relationship had hardly started. He was just getting used to Yumichika's soft side and he truly loved it. All of that anger and hatred of being scorned over those months was nothing compared to the passion Ikkaku felt now. He was going to give this his all.

Poking his nose into Yumichika's hair, Ikkaku slowly inhaled, letting the air back out with a sigh. He'd never get enough of that, and the fact that Yumichika was allowing him to do so sent a thrill through him every time. It was so soft and fragrant, he couldn't believe it. Ikkaku's ages-ago girlfriend had had really long curly hair, and it had actually been overwhelming to him at times. Being a guy with no hair and then having this girlfriend with so much was kinda' intimidating, even if he thought it was pretty. Yumichika, however, his hair was just perfect. Long enough to wrap his fingers in securely, but no more. Just enough and not too much.

He did it again, smelling, and then sighing dreamily. Yeah, he was pretty much in love. Like an  _inch_  from being in love. He was so fucking  _screwed_ , but he couldn't keep this smile off his face.

"How do I smell?" Yumichika finally asked, looking up a little to where Ikkaku's face was pressed into his hair. Crap, he was caught. Ikkaku blinked, pulling back a little, but keeping him in his arms.

"Huh?" he asked stupidly.

Yumichika's brow tensed in irritation a little bit, but he remained patient. Apparently, Ikkaku's grace period had increased monumentally from half a second to something like a full minute. "You keep smelling my hair, so how does it smell?"

"Oh," Ikkaku replied, staying quiet for a minute and thinking, before taking another hit, a deep one. Yumichika snorted a little bit, laughing and pushing against Ikkaku's chest as he was pulled tight against his naked body.

Yumichika looked up expectantly and Ikkaku just opened his mouth, closing it again, thinking. Finally he just said, "I dunno', pretty, I guess?"

Yumichika looked extremely unimpressed. Ikkaku groaned, "Ugh, geez, I don't know how to describe it. Flowery? Uh…  _good_ , I dunno'."

"Well," Yumichika said flatly, going silent and staring dead-pan at the ceiling. Ikkaku sulked. His boyfriend was such a fucking diva.

"Oh come on, don't make that face. How the heck are you supposed to describe a smell?" Yumichika quirked an eyebrow.

"You know, 'beautiful' is never wrong with me," he said with a smile creeping onto his face, and Ikkaku grinned exasperatedly.

"That works."

"Unlike you."

Ikkaku let out a long irritated grumble, but simply burrowed his face closer against Yumichika's head. He could put up with this for a century. He wouldn't tire, he wouldn't falter, he wouldn't break. He was gonna' try harder for this than he'd ever tried for anything.

Maybe Yumichika had subconsciously known that whole time that being mean to Ikkaku would give him the strongest drive to try harder. Sweet gives more energy than sour, but the sugar burns off quicker. Maybe sour was okay. Maybe  _bitter-_ sweet was a flavor he could get used to. Ikkaku didn't mind it. Maybe that's why Yumichika had been such a jerk. Whatever.

Ikkaku shrugged and squeezed Yumichika, snuggling into his shoulder, lips pressed into the skin, eyes shut. Yumichika made a noise, but settled down, neck exposed, smiling.

"Hey, so I never really figured this out," Ikkaku began, knowing he shouldn't push, but being unable to help it, "but are we dating? Like, exclusive-monogamous-relationship-type of dating?"

" _Are_  we?"

"Don't pull that shit with me," Ikkaku grumped, tickling Yumichika and rolling him around on the bed with his typical aggressive affection. "Yumichika?"

"Hm?" Yumichika replied, still fighting back laughter as Ikkaku pinned him under his naked body.

"Wanna' go steady?" Yumichika was quiet for a long time, contemplating it, and Ikkaku began kissing him all over his face, whining, 'pleeease'.

"Okay," he finally said, deadly serious. "We're on dating  _probation._ "

"Good enough!" Ikkaku crowed in victory, seizing Yumichika under the armpits and throwing him over his shoulder, hurling him gently down onto the mattress, then tackling him.

"That's it," Yumichika hissed, flipping him and knocking them onto the floor.

* * *

Renji stroked Ichigo's hair idly, seeing him slowly waking up, still laying naked in his arms. Ichigo wasn't sore this time, he just felt really lax and limp, body tingling in euphoric bliss, still riding that high. Renji grinned, seeing how calm and serene Ichigo was after getting rid of that build-up. They were both really fucked out and lazy, movements sluggish.

"Mm," Ichigo hummed, leaning up and letting Renji kiss him slow and sweet. After asking if it was okay if he used the bathroom first, Ichigo got out of Renji's bed on wobbly legs, wandering into the hall, holding the doorway for support. Renji watched him go with a smile, leaving his legs open to get some air, feeling really relaxed and satisfied.

He lay in bed for about ten minutes, dozing to the soothing sound of the shower running, and suddenly jumped when the door was kicked open, hearing Ichigo roar, " _Renji!"_

"Yeah?" he asked, seeing his boyfriend standing in the doorway, glaring, with a towel around his waist. His hair still had soap in it, and his gaze was  _murderous._ What could Renji have possibly done wrong in those ten minutes that they'd been apart?

Ichigo stomped over to him, opening the towel up, legs shoulder-width apart as he growled menacingly, " _Look what you've done to me_." He was blushing red in anger, shoulders up around his ears, cum rolling down his legs in excess.

Renji jolted forward with a cough, holding onto his nose as he felt something hot and wet slide down rapidly and drip. He didn't need to look to know that it was blood. He pressed that hand over his face, feeling it slip between his fingers and down his chin. Shit, all of a sudden, Ichigo just-

"You, you, _you,_ " Ichigo growled, one leg lifted, his foot pressing into Renji's face, prodding his cheek hard enough to hurt his neck each time he spoke.

Renji had both hands clamped over his bloody nose, making a noise every time his face was shoved. "Ah, cover yourself," he said nasally, trying to look away from the slick thighs and his own semen sliding down Ichigo's wet skin.

"Clean up your  _fucking_ ," Ichigo hissed dangerously, pausing for emphasis as he got closer to Renji's face, " _mess."_

"Okay, okay," Renji agreed, laughing a little as he got off the bed and held his face to keep from staining the carpet as he followed Ichigo to the shower. He helped wash Ichigo off, but Ichigo was still stuck on the toilet for like half an hour and Renji could hear him cursing him out from across the house.

"You're wearing a fucking condom next time!"

"Aw-" He looked up, head snapping around towards the locked door, "C'mon, that's not fair! It was only this one time that I didn't pull out! Don't punish me with rubber-jail!" he wailed in protest.

"You don't pull it out, you're not sticking it in!" Ichigo shouted, cutting himself off with a grunt and a groan, "Ah, fuck, this is awful. Why'd you do that to me?! I mean, c'mon,  _twice?!_ "

"Ichigo, I came before you did. I  _had_  to go twice," Renji explained calmly in his there-was-no-other-way tone. "I wasn't gonna' leave you unsatisfied!"

"You coulda' sucked me off!" Ichigo hollered, "You should've pulled out! Anything but this!...  _Twice, Renji! TWO TIMES!"_

"You're being overdramatic. It's not that bad."

"As soon as I can get up, you'd better be ready to eat those words," Ichigo swore, much quieter. Fuck this man. Renji was such a bastard. He didn't love him, he hated him. ' _Grrrr_.' He was so mad. Ichigo grunted, feeling something more slip out of him. God-damnit, Renji had cum in there twice.

Fuck, this felt so fucking weird, but admittedly it had felt good at the time it had happened. It definitely wasn't worth  _this_  though.

"Ah," Ichigo hissed at the trickling wet sensation, then growled, his eyebrows pushing together. He'd get Renji back for this.

They were never doing it again. Ichigo was never letting them do it again. He grit his teeth and bent forward, bare chest against his thighs, fingers gripping his toes. At least it didn't actually hurt. He wasn't sore at all.

And fuck, was he in love. He was gonna' punch Renji in the face, but then kiss him so good that he'd fall to the floor. Just as soon as he could get off the seat.

...

"Are you sure you wanna' do this? I mean, we don't have to," Renji said, surprised that Ichigo had brought it up. He was sure that Ichigo was still mad at him for earlier, but he sure wasn't acting like it. Ichigo actually seemed to be in quite the good mood now.

Seriously, he was sitting on the counter and  _swinging his legs._  Fucking sunshine child.

"Yeah, I mean," Ichigo shrugged then, looking sheepish, "I probably won't feel as brave as this when the moment comes, but..."

"Ichigo, we can keep this private," Renji assured, raising an eyebrow. "You don't have anything to make up for, kid. I forgave you, okay? You don't have to rush yourself now just because you feel bad."

Ichigo pushed his lower lip out, mulling that over. He shrugged again more slowly.

Renji sighed, coming up to him, nudging his knee with the side of his hip. "All of this junk happened because I pushed you too far too fast, and we're  _just now_  finally okay. I don't wanna' be  _not_  okay again so quickly."

"We'll be okay," Ichigo mumbled begrudgingly, giving a half-glare with pursed lips as Renji slung his arms around his bare waist and kissed on the side of his neck.

" _I_  will be. What about you, though? Cause' if you're not, I won't either," Renji said distractedly, nuzzling the crook of Ichigo's shoulder.

"What the fuck does that mean?" Ichigo sighed, bumping his cheek against Renji's forehead and pushing him back a little, but not making him break his embrace. "Okay, do you really wanna' know why?"

"Well yes. You were so pissed at me, and then you bust outta' the bathroom, hit me, tackle me, and then straddle me on the floor," Renji began. Ichigo gave him a warning glare, not wanting him to describe them doing the nasty on the bedrooom floor so soon after it had happened. "My point is, you came out of nowhere with this after not wanting anybody to know. What gives?"

Ichigo looked distinctly embarrassed then, looking away. "I... Well, I'm not saying I'm having second-thoughts again, but I don't trust myself  _not_  to, if you get my meaning." Renji shook his head with a grunt. Ichigo sighed, putting a hand up to his temple.

"Last time you didn't even do anything wrong, and I still got all paranoid and did a bunch of ridiculous shit. I don't want that to happen again," Ichigo mumbled, rubbing his arm in shame. "I'm hoping that if we tell everyone in our group of friends that... that it'll make this a little easier on me. I'll have more incentive not to back out." Renji was quiet for a second too long, and Ichigo jumped to say, "Not that I'm thinking about backing out! Shit- I just-" He scrubbed at his face with a sigh, bending over, head between his knees. "Ugh."

Renji patted his back, smiling a little. "Okay. Okay, I get it. Do you wanna', uh... Do you wanna' only tell Rukia first?"

"No, let's get them all over with at once. I'm not explaining this more than one time. Well, not more than two times, because we have to tell my family too."

Renji gave a cocky smirk that Ichigo could practically  _feel_ , because he sat back up with a scowl, staring him down to try to get him to wipe that shit-eating grin off his face. "You gonna' introduce me to your dad as your boyfriend?"

"He already knows who you are! I just have to tell him I'm gay and that I'm a bad son!" Ichigo shouted in exasperation. "Stop smirking! This isn't easy for me, you know!"

"You're not a bad son. He's not gonna' care.  _I'm_  the one that should be worried," Renji said with an eyeroll. "He's gonna' start planning surprise attacks on me and testing whether I'm good for you. Isshin's not gonna' care that you're gay. You should be more concerned that he'll embarrass you than that he'll disown you."

Ichigo brooded silently for a minute, because shit, Renji was right. Finally he said, "If he starts calling you his son-in-law, or saying other crazy shit, just ignore him."

"Well, if he asks how he's gonna' have grandkids, I'll tell him I'm trying my best," Renji said with a teasing grin, rubbing in Ichigo's embarrassment. He even fucking  _wiggled his eyebrows_  like a pervert, a big smirk on his face.

"That's it!" Ichigo vaulted over the counter into the living room, leaving Renji staring from the kitchen. He stuck his feet in his slip-ons, threw his jacket on with no regard for the fact that he wasn't wearing a shirt, and hurled the door open.

"Where are you going?"

"I can't look at your face right now," Ichigo grumbled, although Renji could see that he wasn't actually mad, just... Ichigo's cheeks were pink, and he looked pissed, but at himself, maybe. "You're the worst, you suck, and I can't stand that I want to jump you anyways." Renji did a double-take, staring at Ichigo's crotch suspiciously.

"What, _again?_  We did it like three times today already. Although, I could always go again," Renji offered, raising an eyebrow.

Ichigo glared at him for a moment longer, sulking, and then grit out, "I'm going for a walk."

"Let me come," Renji said, following after him after grabbing a t-shirt out of the hamper and holding onto it, intent on forcing it over Ichigo's head when he wasn't looking. No way was he walking around shirtless on Renji's watch. That was for Renji to see and for no one else to find out.

"Come if you want, but I'm not waiting!" Ichigo called as Renji fucked around in the bedroom, getting dressed in something suitable to be seen outside in.

"Yeah, yeah," Renji replied, hearing the door slam, but sure enough, when he came out of his room five minutes later, there was Ichigo, waiting for him. Renji pocketed his wallet, slung an arm around Ichigo's shoulders, and pecked him on the cheek.

"Feel like eating somethin'? I'll pay. We can go to the arcade after too."

Ichigo didn't know how his escape attempt had turned into a date, but he somehow wasn't averse to the idea of it. It was just, he'd always thought that after sex entered the relationship, there was no reason for the instigator to try anymore, and therefore, there were no more dates. Renji hadn't gotten the memo, it seemed.

He had to fight a smile off his face all of a sudden, his chest tightening up.

"Or do you  _actually_  wanna' be alone?" Renji questioned when Ichigo didn't answer. "Can I take you out?"

"Okay," he found himself saying.

 _'Yeah,'_  Ichigo thought. Maybe the feeling wasn't so intense, but there was this warm buzz and just this sense of  _okay-_ ness that he felt really good about. Maybe it didn't have to be like a romantic comedy where the highs and lows were there every few scenes. Maybe that was the whole point of being with someone, was having a friend, and that was okay by him.

"Great," Renji said with a grin, noogey-ing him and hooking his arm around his neck. He sounded somewhat relieved, and he looked that way too. "I  _knew_  you'd let me take you out someday! I just had to work you down with my love, but now I got you."

"Shut up. You didn't work down nothing."

"Yeah, I did, you cracked," Renji insisted, grinning more confidently, teasing him. "For my looove~"

"Like hell."

"Oh, I didn't got you yet? I'd better keep trying, _"_  Renji said playfully, grabbing him on both sides of his chest and tickling him hard. Ichigo growled at him as Renji shook him around. For a minute they struggled against each other as Renji locked him in his arms and Ichigo grappled for freedom, an embarrassing failure.

Renji had him in a hug under his arms, and as Ichigo squirmed downwards to get out, Renji just held tighter, forcing Ichigo's arms up and his shirt to ride up his chest. Soon he just looked like a child who didn't want to be carried. He looked up at Renji, hair skewing, his legs uncomfortably bent. Renji grinned down at him, kissing his nose. "How 'bout now?"

"You're not funny."

Renji began laughing and let Ichigo go, shoving him towards the stairwell, past a passing neighbor. Ichigo's face erupted into flames, but he said nothing. "I think you cracked, Ichigo."

"I did not."

"I think you cracked," Renji said again with a grin, and for some reason, the idea of having cracked and given in didn't torture Ichigo's conscience. It felt fine. It felt... really okay all-around.

Renji obviously knew so, which accounted for his smug grin.

"You're too sentimental, you bastard," Ichigo mumbled with a blush, but he was grinning.

* * *

_I know you've suffered,_   
_but I don't want you to hide._   
_It's cold and loveless;_   
_I won't let you be denied._

_Soothing;_   
_I'll make you feel pure._   
_Trust me,_   
_you can be sure._


	5. Chapter 5

_What would I do without your smart mouth,  
_ _drawing me in, and you kicking me out?  
_ _You got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down,_

_What's going on in that beautiful mind?_

* * *

Ikkaku made more rice than was strictly necessary and brought it to his sweetie in a bowl where he was on the couch wrapped in a blanket.

"You like oyako?"

"Mhm."

"Here," Ikkaku offered, handing Yumichika his chopsticks. Yumichika made another humming sound and dug out a piece of chicken, still looking pretty sleepy and damp.

Yumichika had taken a shower and was perfectly fine after their night together of course, even though he should be sore. Then again, he'd been able to walk around without limping that day they'd been in the freezer together – even so, it was the morning after, and Ikkaku felt the need to perform some care tasks for his boyfriend and make sure he was perfectly comfortable, because Yumichika was a good liar and very well might be sick or hurt. It felt right, and Yumichika didn't tell him to knock it off, so Ikkaku took the green light to fuss over him as though he were an invalid.

Ikkaku didn't have any combs or anything, but Yumichika let him use his fingers to straighten out his hair while he ate his oyakodon. Ikkaku just had rice and natto with a fried egg laid on top.

"You feel like hangin' out today?" Ikkaku asked. It was early on Sunday morning, even though they'd stayed up late. He'd found out really quickly that Yumichika was a morning person – not to say that he was cheerful, but that he was awake by seven and needed to get up, or he'd become intolerable to lie next to, due to his incessant squirming and sighing. Ikkaku normally liked to lay around for longer, but he wasn't against spending the morning together this once. It wasn't everyday he had a bed-mate, so he supposed he could indulge Yumichika and get up at what he considered to be dawn's ass-crack, never mind that the sun had actually risen at five thirty.

"Okay," Yumichika said softly, voice still scratchy and quiet from sleep. He had bright eyes even when he was drowsy. "What did you have in mind?" he asked, clearing his throat and sounding much more awake. Ikkaku yawned long and loud, taking a big bite of his food, stuffing his mouth to bursting with yolk-soaked sticky rice before continuing. Well, at least he tried to.

"Don't you dare," Yumichika grit out, glaring at him and his round cheeks, forcing him to swallow before talking. Ikkaku rolled his eyes. Okay, so talking with his mouth full was out for at least another month, until they relaxed into the other's mannerisms.

"I got a buddy with a boat who owes me a favor," Ikkaku began, and Yumichika narrowed his eyes, not seeing where this was going exactly. "Let's go on the water, it'll be fun. We can swim and fish n' shit."

"I don't like fishing," Yumichika commented mildly, but Ikkaku still took that as a yes.

Ikkaku pecked Yumichika's cheek and then leaned back in and licked him when he left a couple pieces of rice there on accident. Yumichika slapped him away in exasperation, complaining in a breathless tone that he'd just washed his face. However, Ikkaku ignored the smack and snaked an arm around Yumichika's waist, pulling him back in against his body, gaining some laughter. Ikkaku grinned and crammed his cheeks full of food. He didn't know what was supposed to be so awkward about the morning after sex. Pssh. This love stuff was easy.

"Okay, I'll call him and let him know," he said with his mouth half-full. "We can head out at ten and fuck around until we're tired and wanna' come back."

"What if the boat is ugly?" Ikkaku gave him a look.

"If it sails, then I don't mind. You won't see the outside of it while we're in it," he said sensibly. Yumichika's face did this complicated twitch, as logic conflicted with his weird preferences.

"What if it is no good in the water?" Yumichika amended.

Ikkaku simply shrugged. "Then we can dock it and just walk on the beach. Sound okay?"

Yumichika agreed.

"You like the ocean?" Ikkaku asked.

Yumichika nodded, eating some more rice. Ikkaku smiled in satisfaction, getting up off the couch to go and call. As he did, Yumichika reached an arm out to him, tilting his chin up. Ikkaku leaned down and gave him a kiss, then got the phone off the wall, and watched Yumichika eat while he talked.

All of this had turned out better than he could've hoped. He'd anticipated a lot of things when he'd fallen for Yumichika – a hatefuck relationship, an on-off again thing where they'd just sleep together, maybe just a friendship – but this blew them all away.

He felt different. Maybe that was because he'd tempered his resolve. No matter how mad he got at Yumichika now - and he probably would get mad at times, considering the way that brat knew just how to get under his skin - he'd never be that pissed that he'd lose his self-control in the way he had that one day. This was too important to him to fuck up. Things were different now, and he wasn't going to pull that kind of shit again.

Maybe after everything settled down into a routine, Ikkaku would take Yumichika to meet his family. Someone like Yumichika would work wonders on that pink-haired menace. Zaraki could use some more balance in his life too. Nothing like chaos to make you get your shit together.

Yumichika finished his breakfast and put the bowl in the sink, filling it with water. Then he went past him to grab his jacket from his bedroom, kissing his cheek on the way by. Sitting back on the couch and crossing his legs, Yumichika tossed some bubblegum in his mouth and within a minute or two, he was snapping bubbles with his eyes closed. Ikkaku grinned. He still wasn't tired of that.

* * *

Renji and Ichigo ate breakfast together at the table, pleasantly silent, or else chatting lightly. There was a peace between them that nothing could compare to. The heatwave had passed and they were in t-shirts and boxers, feet wrapped together.

Ichigo was feeling a lot better. He wasn't cranky anymore, and somehow, he didn't feel gross at all. He felt really soft inside, he felt sweet on Renji and he could recognize it now. Of course, he still wanted to punch that cocky smirk, but he liked it a little bit too. Breaking through denial and anger was so awesome.

A couple of Renji's fingers touched his hand while they ate, and Ichigo had to tell Renji a couple times that his hair was dangling into his cereal bowl a little bit. They argued a little bit, Renji telling Ichigo that he needing to quit nagging him and just let him eat, and Ichigo telling Renji that he needed to just stop being a dumbass so much. However, Ichigo found he had more patience than normal and no desire to take this over the line to violence or even raising his voice. Keeping the harmony was almost... dare he say it,  _effortless._

When their food was done, they threw the dishes in the sink and stood in the hall for a minute, yawning and scratching. Ichigo rubbed his eyes a couple times with his knuckles, swallowing and yawning again. Renji gave a long stretch, blinking a few times.

"Wanna' go to the aquarium?" Ichigo finally asked simply.

"Yeah," Renji replied, nodding.

"Bring the camera," Ichigo reminded, walking down the hall to his room to get some day-clothes. "Bring the camera, Renji," he called again, to make sure he'd heard him. Renji made a small laughing noise and Ichigo turned to see him with the cockiest smuggest smirk he'd ever seen, like he'd caught Ichigo doing something bad and thought it was the funniest thing.

"You wanna' document our dates," Renji said knowingly with a shit-eating grin, and Ichigo just narrowed his eyes, but didn't go for the throat like he usually would've.

"Just bring the camera, smart-ass."

He held two of Renji's fingers on the way to the car, and only felt mildly anxious when there were a few people around. Renji was as happy as a fucking clam all day long, not overly-touchy, but enough so that people would obviously get the message of 'this is mine.'

The next day, Renji came home from work to see that Ichigo had pushed their beds together in one room. When they told their friends later in the afternoon, Ichigo was a little nervous, so Renji held his hand, but the biggest reactions they gained were from Orihime, who gasped in what seemed like horror, Rangiku and Ikkaku, who affectionately clapped Renji's shoulder in congratulations, and Rukia, who quickly overshadowed them by shouting, ' _It's about time!'_

Renji's eyebrows pushed together worriedly, and he watched with trepidation for Ichigo's reaction, but although Ichigo's face was red, and he was averting his eyes, there was a small smile on his lips and he wasn't letting go of Renji's hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CN -
> 
> Opening 1: Love Me Dead by Ludo  
> Closing 1: I Won't Say It - Hercules, Disney
> 
> Opening 2: Tear You Apart by She Wants Revenge  
> Closing 2: Love by Matt White
> 
> Opening 3: Love Me Dead by Ludo  
> Closing 3: Addicted to Love
> 
> Opening 4: Something I Need by OneRepublic  
> Closing 4: Undisclosed Desires by Muse
> 
> Opening 5: All of Me by John Legend


End file.
